Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people who read this blog try to begin their separation with the best attitude possible. They often either intuitively know or have read here that remaining positive increases the chances of a healing separation and a reconciliation. So they try to go into this with a smile on their faces and the spirit of cooperation in their hearts.

Unfortunately, very often, we can only control ourselves. And many separated spouses find themselves dealing with someone who didn’t get the memo about maintaining a positive attitude. In fact, sometimes the separated spouses are mean, manipulative, or sulky. Some attempt to play mind games. This can be true even if the game player is the one who wanted the separation in the first place.

A wife could explain, “I anticipated that I might have a problem putting on a constant happy face during our separation. But I was determined to do it for the sake of our kids and also because I thought it would improve my chances of getting back together with my husband. Because that is what I really want. What I did not anticipate was that my husband would act like a pain in the rear. He wanted this separation. So I assumed that he would actually be more content and happy. I foolishly thought that he would be easier to deal with. But no. He’s sulky. He acts like I pushed this onto him. He plays mind games with me, withholding affection and then asking me why I don’t seek it from him. When I do seek it, I won’t get it. If I try to cheer him up, he acts as if I’m trying to manipulate him or he’ll say that I’m asking him to act in a way that he doesn’t actually feel. I’ll then ask him why he’s upset, and his response is that we have a separated marriage, so should we pretend that everything is just fine and that this is a cause for celebration? I just don’t understand. This is what he wanted. He claims that he isn’t angry and that I’ve done nothing wrong, but he certainly treats me like he is mad at me. I hoped that getting out of his line of sight for a while would remedy his restlessness. But it hasn’t. He’s difficult to be around. I’m tired of it. But I have no idea how to address it without turning negative and nasty myself.”

Don’t Fall Into The Trap Of Engagement: You are right that you absolutely do not want to play this game. You don’t want to resort to the same behavior that you dislike in him. It will only make a difficult situation worse, and it almost condones his behavior.

Instead, you want your behavior to be above reproach while at the same time not alienating him because you are lecturing him about his poor behavior. So you have to walk a fine line between determining the cause of his behavior, hopefully getting it to stop, and keeping your own positive strategy.

Try Another Approach: It goes without saying that you should absolutely try to get to the truth about why you’re seeing weird behavior from him. He’s still your husband. You don’t want to see him unhappy, and you don’t want his sour attitude to get into the way of your reconciliation.

But your tone must be one of caring and concern. You don’t want to say something like, “what is wrong with you? According to my memory, you wanted this separation, so why are you sulking like this?” You may be justified in asking these questions, but what he will hear and take away from this conversation is that you’re annoyed at his behavior, and you think he’s wrong to express himself in this way. This will only make him defensive.

The better play is something like, “I’m concerned about you because you seem quite unhappy. Is there anything I’ve done that can be fixed? Is there anything at all that I can do to make it better? I was hoping that the separation would make things better. How can I adjust so that we are more successful?”

Then, if he gives you a response, really listen to him. Allow him to talk as long as he wants without interruption. Don’t argue with what he’s saying (at least right now.) Just let him know that he’s been heard and that you’ll do your best to make things better.

Adjust Your Expectations: This is hard to write because I never want to have to tell someone who is already living life in an altered way to expect less. That isn’t an easy thing to ask. But the truth is that sometimes, separations must go at a gradual pace and improvement happens more slowly than we would hope. (This was definitely the case during my own separation, but I am still married today.)

Perhaps for the next week, you just want to focus on showing him more patience and give him a little room. The hope is that in a few more weeks, he will be less sulky and you will have more to work with. With this strategy, he can’t become angry with you or blame you for anything. Especially when all you’ve done is be supportive.

Consider Why He Might Be Unhappy Or Resentful: As weird as it sounds, a lot of initiating spouses are let down by their separations. What I mean by that is that often the spouse who wants the separation experiences frustration when he isn’t suddenly happier because of it. Sometimes, he assumes that the marriage or his spouse is to blame for his discontent. But then he removes those things from his everyday life, and he must face the fact that he is still unhappy. He starts to realize that the unhappiness lies with him, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. And he begins to wonder if it can change. (Counseling can be great during this time frame if he will go. But if not, this is your opportunity to show him that things can slowly get better.)

Chipping Away At His Resentment: I know that it’s difficult to interact with someone who is frustrated and resentful. You just have to take it one interaction at a time. Don’t engage and make things worse. Just remain positive and come back another day if your efforts aren’t working. Cut the interaction short and hope that you will find him in a better place next time.

If you can get individual counseling, it can help. But either way, surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive. That way, you’re not depending on your spouse for support at a time when he’s not giving it.

If you have other things to occupy you while you wait for him to come around, even better. It is never a good idea to put all of your energy into this day by day when this is going to be a long game. Doing so only makes you impatient at a time when you’re going to need all of the patience you can get.

I know that I’m asking a lot from you. But I’m just being honest, as I dealt with this during my own separation, and I have firm opinions on what works and what doesn’t. If you’d like to read about how I saved my own marriage, that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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