Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are beside themselves when they feel their husbands slipping away. Many cannot help but notice their husbands’ attention, commitment, and affection are waning. Some have felt this shift for quite some time, but when many of these wives attempt to discuss this shift with their husbands, they find that he’s annoyed and snappish. Sometimes, a husband in this situation will tell his wife that it’s all in her head. 

Often, wives in this scenario aren’t sure what to do. Many know that doing nothing might only make the situation worse. But saying something or demanding answers and changes might bring about a bad response also. 

As a result, wives can feel stuck, as though the only thing they can do is watch helplessly as they lose their husbands. 

A wife might say, “I can feel my husband doesn’t want me anymore. He tries to deny it, but it has become obvious. I am basically waiting until he demands a separation or divorce. And all I can do is wait for it to happen because when I try to talk to him, he gets annoyed and brushes me off.”

While I understand these concerns and had many of them myself, I also know that this type of mindset can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

When you think this way, you become sure that you’re going to lose your husband, and it becomes difficult to be objective. You can become a sitting duck – just waiting for the inevitable. 

As a result, it can begin to feel as if no matter what you do, you’re going to get the same result. Although this may feel like reality, it doesn’t have to be the case. And by thinking this way, you’re almost moving toward the thing that you fear the most.

Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive: Instead of just waiting for the inevitable to happen, try to put yourself in a better position by being proactive rather than merely waiting to react.

Instead of just feeling helpless and afraid, identify which fears are most worrisome and then take action to remove them. For example, if you feel your husband pulling away and not being affectionate, turn the tables, be proactive, and show some affection to him.

If you sense him being distracted, turn the tables and be attentive. If he is rude, you be polite. 

 I admit that this is a very delicate undertaking. You can’t show any desperation or have this come off as anything other than genuine. You don’t want to lay this on too thickly because if you do, you run the risk of pulling when he’s trying to push. And if you come on too strong, he’s going to push away even more.

The key is to really come off as caring, affectionate, and someone who wants her husband to be happy and has his best interest at heart. 

At the same time, you want to show yourself the same concern. You always want to come off as though you 100% believe that you are deserving of his attention and love. 

If you act as though you expect him to come around and are confident that if you show him (by your own demonstration) how you would like to be treated and what you want your marriage to look like, you will often see some improvement if you’ve done everything correctly.

If Your Suspicions Turn Out To Be True, And He Really Is Leaving: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will have a situation where a husband has flat-out told you or is hinting very heavily that he’s going to need some space or distance or time to reflect. 

Other times, he will just begin to walk away. In these situations, it’s so easy to panic and fear that your worst-case scenario and the thing that you feared the most is finally here.

And this is when many of us get into full-out panic mode. And unfortunately, this is the very worst thing that we can not do because this desperation will make us do things that we might later regret or that weaken our position in his eyes. 

As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is to take a deep breath and give him his space. If you don’t, he will either just take his space, resent you, or see you as the thing that is between him and his happiness.

And what do people do when they think that something is a deterrent to their happiness? They seek to remove that deterrent for good. Do not allow yourself to be put into that position. 

As hard as it might be to trust this process, you are generally going to be in a much better situation with a greater chance for success if you come from a place of strength rather than weakness. 

To that end, you can conduct yourself with dignity and respect. You can make it clear that you want both of you to be happy and you are willing to wait and offer the space. You want to act “as if” you know that the two of you are right together and that he will come to learn this eventually. 

In the meantime though, you will be the same desirable, upbeat, and loving person you have always been who also values her own happiness and well-being. You won’t resort to desperation, panicking, or isolation because you respect yourself too much.

Sometimes, it is a bit of a waiting game and following a strategy, but that is better than assuming that the worst is knocking on your door.