Leslie Cane Articles

I sometimes hear from wives who freely admit that they are desperate to get back their separated husbands. I can easily identify with this because I was in their situation once.  I know that feeling of believing that you have a limited window where you might be able to get him back, and so you need to do whatever you can, with any tools necessary, to lure him in before it is too late.  One tool that separated spouses will use is sex.  People often don’t realize that many spouses who are separated continue to have sex.  However, some wives take this is a bit further and think that it wouldn’t be so horrible to become pregnant during one of these encounters.  Some believe that perhaps it might even help matters.  In fact, some women do deliberately try to get pregnant during the separation, thinking that this might be the push that their husband needs in order to finally return home.

A wife might say, “Please don’t think too harshly of me with this, but I’m actually separated right now and trying to become pregnant.  My husband and I have been having problems, so we are technically separated, but we still see one another all of the time and continue to sleep together sometimes.  There have been times when my husband will pull away and insist that we shouldn’t be doing this, but he always comes back.  Anyway, before we separated, we had discussed trying to conceive, but of course once we separated, all conversations about that ended. However, I’m not getting any younger.  I was really excited about having a baby.  I also feel like my husband and I will eventually reconcile.  So I don’t see any reason not to continue to try to become pregnant.  I have not shared this with my husband because I’m afraid he won’t agree.  But I think that this might be the thing that draws us together. I have shared this plan with my best friend and she feels that it is an awful idea and is potentially entrapment.  She says it’s not fair to try to become pregnant without telling my separated husband.  She says that some separated people end up divorced and then I might be a single mom.  I sort of see her point, but I really feel like we will eventually get back together and I also feel it might be my ace in the hole in terms of getting my husband back.  Am I just way out of line here?”

I can certainly understand your thinking.  My husband and I weren’t sleeping together during our separation, but if we had been, I could see the draw of this plan.  However, I do have to say that your friend’s concerns are very valid.  If your husband finds out that you were attempting to conceive without consulting him, he could become very angry at a time when his anger is the very last thing that you need.  Not only that, but new parenthood is an extremely stressful time for a marriage. So, even if you reconcile, in my experience, your marriage is on fragile ground for a while after that.  It takes a while for things to feel normal again and for you both to have confidence that your marriage is going to make it for the long term.  There is still work to do in terms of easing back into the routines of a healthy marriage.  There are usually some things that must be worked out and overcome.  Very few couples have a flawless reconciliation.  It doesn’t make sense to add the stress of a newborn on top of an already fragile situation.

Not only that, but you don’t want underlying resentment from a husband who wasn’t consulted about the pregnancy – even if you are reconciled. You want to give your reconciled marriage the best chance of success.  That means being upfront, honest, and forthcoming.  That means discussing important decisions.  Having a baby and becoming parents is the most important decision that any couple will make.  Both people deserve to be fully involved participants with their opinions and wishes heard.  I know that it might not be what you want to hear, but I agree that you should wait until your marriage is back on very solid ground before you become pregnant.  This ensures that you can be certain that your child will have two loving parents and grow up in a very stable home with parents who have a good and enduring marriage.  Plus, your child deserves a conception that was agreed upon and eagerly anticipated by both parents.

I do understand why you are tempted.  I tried several little underhanded tricks to lure my husband back.  They all backfired.  It took me too long to learn how to play the long game instead, which eventually lead to a reconciliation.  You’re welcome to read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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