Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when people find out that you’ve been going through a marital separation, they feel that it is their duty to encourage you to perk up, stop being so depressed, and live your life again. And although they are doing this out of love and often have very good intentions, it can hurt and be very frustrating when you understandably are not ready to give up on your marriage when you are not even divorced.

Someone might say: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He was the one who wanted this. I admit that things weren’t great between us, but they weren’t so bad that we need to live apart. I do talk to my husband every once in a while. Sometimes these talks go well and sometimes they don’t. I guess they go well just enough to still give me a tiny bit of hope that one day things will be different. But my friends think that I am delusional and in denial. And because of this, they keep hounding me to go out with them in the hopes of setting me up with someone new. They believe that I need to start dating again. I love my friends. And I hate it when they get mad at me. But, I am just not ready to date again. I know that thinks don’t look great between my husband and I. But, I feel like I am still married. I am not yet divorced. So it would be wrong to go out. But that’s not the point anyway. Dating would be like conceding that I’m giving up hope for my marriage. And I don’t want to do that yet. Am I wrong?”

I certainly do not think that you are wrong. I was in the same situation and I basically reacted in the same way. I do believe that in most cases, your friends are acting out of love and concern. I know that mine were. But even though my husband wasn’t giving me any encouragement at all and sometimes was downright discouraging, I still wanted to believe that eventually, there would be a chance for us. And I always felt that going out with other people meant that I was giving up on that chance, which I wasn’t willing to do.

One day, I thought long and hard about this and I realized that getting out of the house might do me good. So I talked openly with my friends and I told them that although I’d like to spend time with them, I wasn’t going to go to night clubs or anything like that. I stressed that as long as I was married, I wasn’t going to act like I was single. So having men come along in the hopes that something would happen was off limits. My friends accepted this. We basically just did things like going out to dinner, hiking, picnicking, crafting (I learning to crochet at this time.) shopping, and wholesome things which could never be taken in the wrong way.

And granted, it turned out that getting out of the house lifted my spirits and did me a world of good.  But, I believe that there is a big difference between going out with friends very innocently and going out to get back in the dating game.  I was very clear on this and very careful to never put myself in a situation that could be misunderstood.

I also believe that it is your right alone to decide when you are “ready.” And that day might never come.  The hope is that your relationship with your husband won’t end. If you want to get technical about it, dating others while still being married is cheating. And when you are still hopeful about your marriage, dating is just silly because it jeopardizes the chances for a reconciliation.

The truth is, no one can possibly know what tomorrow is going to bring. Your conversations with your spouse might turn more positive. Or, you might become more skilled at pulling him closer to you. But, it just doesn’t make sense to give up until you have to. I have seen many couples reconcile after a long separation in which things looked very bleak.

So you might want to have a conversation with your friends like: “I appreciate your wanting to cheer me up, and I’d love to go to dinner sometimes. But I’m not going to date right now. I’m still married and I’m still invested. It wouldn’t be right to date and frankly, I have no interest in it. That’s why I don’t won’t to go to clubs or anything that might insinuate I’m interested in dating when I’m not. But I’d love to see more of my friends and get their support right now. I hope you understand.”

Honestly, anyone who is a true friend will understand this. Sometimes, people are looking for a “partner in crime” with regards to dating. But nothing says you have to fit into their preconceived role. And honestly, a married person is not right for that role anyway. Once you make this clear, even your single friends should completely understand this, as long as they have your best interest at heart.

Honestly, my separation showed me very clearly who my true friends were.  Turns out, I have some fantastic friends. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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