Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who had previously felt somewhat certain that a divorce was the right path for them to take. But now that a little time has passed or they are at the point where they would naturally file, they aren’t so sure. And this place of indecision can be scary and unsettling. After all, what if they make a mistake? What if they eventually regret it? And what if they make the wrong decision and there’s no turning back?

I heard from a wife who said: “three months ago, I was sure that I wanted to divorce my husband. The spark has been gone for quite some time. I see so many of my friends who are divorced and who I know for a fact that they are so much happier. So I had it in my head that I was going to file before the holidays. I haven’t told my husband of my intentions, but I think that he knows. I never go out of my way to spend time with him anymore. Well, last month, my husband’s father passed away. I loved his father as much as he did. And we spent a lot of time together planning the memorial service. I felt like it was only right that I comfort my husband. And we bonded a little. So now I am not so sure about the divorce. But my friend says that all I am feeling for my husband is pity and nothing more. She says that in a couple of months, I will go back to feeling nothing but disdain for my husband again. Is she right? Am I making too much out of this? Should I just go ahead and file divorce and hope that it is the right decision?”

I don’t think that it’s possible to “make too much” out of decision as big as this one. This is your marriage that you are talking about. And ending it is probably one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make in your life. And yes, plenty of people end up regretting this decision very deeply.

Admittedly, in my own marriage and separation, I was the spouse who was clear that I didn’t want to end my marriage. While my husband was sure that he did. But I believe if you asked my husband today if staying with me was a mistake, he would give you a resounding no. The truth is that we were able to work through our problems and rebuild our marriage. And I don’t think that either of us can imagine our lives without the other. But a short time ago, things between us were not nearly as rosy. My point is things can change and improve quite dramatically. And if you are still seeing the good in your spouse, are still feeling somewhat positive or protective feelings when the occasion calls for it, and are having some doubts, then it’s my opinion that perhaps you should sit down and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you.

And that’s not to say that listening to your gut is going to save your marriage. It’s possible that somewhere down the road, you will discover that despite your best efforts, it really is best to get a divorce. But don’t you both deserve the luxury of time and patience in order to work that out?

My Opinion On How You Know It’s Time To Consider Walking Away: I will admit that I am pretty biased and certainly not objective. I saved a marriage that many felt was essentially over. So I will always lean toward saving your marriage at all costs. However, I do acknowledge that there are times when it is really over. And I hear from a lot of people on my blog who are in this situation. Many are completely at peace over their decision to get a divorce, which can be a good indicator that this was the right decision for them. And often, they are at peace because they know that everything that could possibly have been tried has already been attempted. They know that they have given it their all. And at the end of this process, they know that they no longer have romantic feelings for their spouse nor do they feel the commitment that is required to save their marriage. They know this for sure without any indecision. And they are completely confident that they have made the right choice. Often, they are parting as friends because there are no negative feelings. They often still look at their spouse with some affection. They realize that they have beautiful memories, but now it is time to move on.

Frankly, I don’t think that this description applied to this wife. She wasn’t at a point where she could peacefully make this decision because she hadn’t yet tried various things to save her marriage. In fact, she had plenty to work with since she and her husband had been bonding and some of her feelings were returning. So wouldn’t it make sense to follow this up and see if there was any hope that the improvements could continue? That way, at least if she ultimately did decide to walk away, she would know that she did everything possible to prevent this.

Honestly, it is my experience that people who are ready or suitable for a divorce don’t have to ask where they are in the process. They already know. They don’t have doubts and they aren’t second guessing themselves. Because when you are, then that’s a good indication that perhaps you don’t really want the divorce or you feel as if you owe it to yourself and your spouse to first try everything that you can before you walk away.

As I alluded to, I was pretty clear on the fact that my marriage wasn’t over. But my spouse was not. Thankfully, I was able to convince him to try a couple of more things before we ultimately divorced. And neither of us have ever regretted this. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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