Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who know that they are at a crossroads in their marriages. They are well aware that neither themselves nor their spouse is happy. They look around and they perceive that their marriage is “less than” that of friends, family members, or associates. So they start to wonder what they should do about this. Many believe that they really have only a few choices, such as staying but remaining unhappy, or separating /divorcing.

Someone might ask: “how do you know when you should stay or go in your marriage? How do you know what is right for you personally in terms of living your best life? My husband and I are unhappy. There is no cliche affair or bankruptcy or anything like that. We have just grown apart. I feel like we are not the same people that we were when we got married.  It seems that the new people in our marriage do not get along as well. There is tension in our home, but we try to be cordial to one another. So far, I don’t think that this is negatively affecting our kids. However, I feel that I deserve to be happy. That said, I’m scared of being alone. I worry that I will be more unhappy on my own and then I would have broken up my family. How do you decide whether it’s ultimately in your best interest to stay or go?”

Determining If Your Husband Or Marriage Are Truly Intolerable. Could You Regret It Later?: That is a tricky question. I was separated for a while. However, it was my husband’s decision. I think that many people ultimately go because either they think that the situation at home is intolerable or they are certain that they will be happier alone. Some of those people come to realize that they did not gain happiness by leaving. My husband was one of those people. I have many friends who have broken up marriages and have regretted it later.

I am no expert, but as someone who has gone through a very painful separation myself (and who struggled to pick up the pieces and save my marriage,) here is my take on it: Obviously, if you are in a marriage where you are being psychologically or physically hurt, then it is sometimes better to leave. At the very least, see a counselor who can give you an objective opinion. Marriage should not be detrimental to your safety or wellbeing. That said, many times, this is not the case. It is simply a matter of being dissatisfied with the direction of your marriage. You believe that you or your spouse have changed and don’t share an intimacy anymore. It’s not that either spouse is a bad person, it’s just that the marriage has taken an unfortunate turn.

Consider Earning Your Way Out First: Because there is a big risk of being just as unhappy alone and then dealing with the fact that you let go of a perfectly good spouse, my take on it has always been to at least allow yourself to make an attempt to fix things before you just walk away. That way, if you try and are unsuccessful, then you can walk away without shame and uncertainty. You can look your children in the eye and honestly tell them that you did everything that you could to save your marriage.

I know that it is easy to get impatient and to feel like nothing is ever going to change. But once my husband and I both saw that there was no additional happiness to be had by separating and we got serious about saving our marriage, well, things DID change. Eventually, the intimacy returned and a sense of happiness and excitement was present in our marriage again. We had to fight for it. There were painful and awkward times. Parts of it were certainly not fun. But guess what? The separation wasn’t fun, either. In fact, the separation was more intolerable than the marriage ever was.

From my experience and observations, many people believe that they’ve changed or fallen out of love when really, they have changed their priorities and, because of the crazy, busy world in which most of us live, they’ve neglected the upkeep of their marriage.  Unfortunately, they assumed that their history together and the love between them would insulate them from trouble. This is not always the case. I have learned that you have to fiercely guard your marriage. This is not always convenient, but it offers huge rewards and a peace that is well worth the effort.

I am certain that I would have been no happier with a new relationship without history or depth than I would have been in my struggling marriage. I would have brought my unresolved baggage with me. I would have known in my heart that I didn’t fight for what was important. Since my husband was a good man with whom I’d just grown apart, it made sense to invest in him and in our marriage rather than just rolling the dice with unknown and unproven relationships. Sure, saving our marriage may not have worked out. And if it didn’t, well, there is always time to eventually start up new relationships. But I wanted to make sure that I actually had to before I did that.

And I’m very glad that we ultimately decided to dig in and resurrect what we had. We got back the intimacy, connectedness, and happiness and we didn’t have to forfeit our history and commitment. I know that this isn’t possible for every couple, but I feel that it is worth it to give it your best try before walking away.  You’re welcome to read about how I finally was able to resurrect my marriage before I allowed my husband to walk away for good at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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