Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  There are times during a martial separation when it can become clear that, in order for your marriage to have any chance of survival, you are going to have to try something new.  Many couples who are having trouble communicating or who are working with a volatile situation chose to do “no contact” for the first part of their separation.

What this means is that they might choose not to communicate at all during a specified period of time. Or they might choose to text only in matters of emergencies or for issues concerning their children.  Many do this in the hopes that the absence will make them miss one another or pause the drama or conflict between them.

Believe it or not, sometimes this does have the intended effect.  Things do improve.  But it can be tricky to begin talking again after that cool down period.  The conversation can feel forced or awkward.  Someone might explain it this way: “my husband and I decided to go no-contact for four weeks. I didn’t want to do this.  But my husband was so desperate for his space that he pretty much gave me no choice.  It got to a point where it was obvious that my choices were no-contact or divorce.  So I went along only because I felt that I absolutely had to.  It was awful.  I was always worried about my husband’s well-being or wondered what he was doing.  To be fair, we did text sporadically. So at least I knew that he was mostly all right.  Last week, he texted me and told me that he was ready to end “no contact” and he asked me to have dinner the next night.  I was really concerned that he was ending no-contact only to tell me that he wanted a divorce.  Much to my relief, he did not.  He basically said he wanted to be in touch again to just “see what happened.”  The problem is that our whole conversation during that evening was strained and awkward.  If I am being honest, I have to admit that I was very uncomfortable.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me openly.  And I admit that I was guarded too.  It almost feels like those weeks of not talking made us lose our ability to talk.  How do you get the conversations to flow again after no-contact?”

I know that what you’re feeling is very worrisome.  Although my husband and I didn’t officially do “no contact” during our separation, we talked so sparingly at times that it sure felt like we weren’t communicating all that much.  And yes, our ability to talk without being self conscious or guarded was adversely affected.  Things were extremely awkward.  I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing.  And because we weren’t together regularly, we didn’t have those shared experiences that help the ebb and flow of easy conversation.

At first, we would “catch each other up” of what was going on in our lives.  At times we would talk about the past, since we had no present to talk about.  It was slow going at first, but over time, it did get better.  Once it became clear that we were making a little progress, we both started to relax some, which made communication easier.

To Keep It Going, Keep It Light: I think that it helps to try to keep things light.  At first, you don’t want to try to tackle the hard or unpleasant subjects.  You want to try to use humor if you can.  You want to make the conversations pleasant and fun.  Because that makes things easier the next time.

I know that it seems weird to think about your spouse in these terms, but most of us are able to chat up a new friend or colleague with some skill.  In the beginning, use the same techniques with your spouse.  Ask open ended questions.  Listen more than you talk.  Act interested in what they have to say.  Lean in.  Make a light hearted joke when it’s appropriate.

Be A Good Listener: It’s almost always true that good listeners are thought to be brilliant conversationalists.  If you can get anyone to talk about themselves or their interests, they will almost always think that the conversation went well.  I honestly believe that 90 percent of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.  You can learn this skill.  And it’s an important one to have.  Other people are drawn to those that are good listeners.  They relax because they feel like they are understood.  They feel as if the other person cares enough to listen.

Rely On Your History To Boost Your Confidence: I know that this is upsetting.  But think about it this way.  It’s doubtful that a relationship that has lasted for years and been as important as marriage is going to be derailed due a month-long silence.  You have time on your side.  Yes, it might be awkward and slow-going at first.  But stay with it.  Try to be aware of how the conversation is going and work hard to keep things light.  You don’t need to have deep conversations at first.  It’s better to just slowly build. And then after a while, you will hopefully find that the words have begun to flow easily again.

Those early weeks when my husband and I started talking again were truly nerve-wracking.  I knew the value of going slow, because changing my pace is what got my husband receptive to me again after a long period of avoidance.  It helped to have patience and to know that each meeting and interaction affected the next.  You have to realize that you are slowly building. Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come and keep things light. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my very gradual progress on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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