Leslie Cane Articles

I often hear from spouses who are trying desperately to hold onto their marriages while their own spouse is ready to call it quits. I hear comments like: “I’m not ready to give up on my marriage, but my spouse is. What can I do to change his mind before it’s too late? I just can’t bear the thought of my marriage ending and having to let go for good.”

This is a difficult situation. It’s daunting to think that you will have to save your marriage all by yourself, but I do firmly believe that it can be done and that this situation is far from impossible. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Who Decides When You Have To Give Up Your Marriage?: I often have spouses who ask me things like “why does my spouse get to decide when we’re going to let go or give up? What if I’m not ready? Do I just have to accept that it’s over because he says so? Why does he get to make that call?”

I understand these frustrations. It seems unfair that you should just have to go along with this if you disagree or if your heart is breaking. It’s my experience that no one truly has control of your own feelings. And, conversely, you don’t necessarily have control over your own spouse’s feelings. With that said though, although you can’t control someone else’s feelings, you do sometimes have control over the situation and the circumstances.

You can try to set it up so that the situation is conducive to changing perceptions, evolving feelings, and things turning around. But this often requires a workable plan and a bit of resolve to accept gradual victories until you’ve slowly worked up to where you want to be.

Most People Who Aren’t Ready To Let Go Of Their Marriage Suspect That There Are Cards Yet To Be Played: People will often say to me things like “I have no idea why I just can’t let go. I mean, he’s pretty much spelled it out to me but, for whatever reason, I’m so stubborn that I just can’t accept it.” I’m not sure that stubbornness is the only thing at play here. It’s my opinion that people often don’t want to or can’t “let go” because they feel or suspect that there are still things that have yet to be tried.

Deep down, many people know that there are things left unsaid or attempts to save the marriage that still haven’t been attempted. Many believe that if they could just elicit even a little bit of cooperation from their spouse, there are other things that could be tried which just might work. And, while this may well be true, I often tell people that if they wait to get their spouse’s cooperation or the green light, they may be waiting a long time. The point is, sometimes if you have something to say, you may be better off finding the right time to say it rather than allowing yourself to wait for a time or a go-ahead that may never come.

Or if you suspect that there’s something that would save your marriage, it’s not always the best idea to wait for it to happen instead of attempting to make it happen on your own. That’s not to say that you need to be blatantly obvious about your opposition or about any plan that you have. But it’s my opinion that it’s better to take some planned action than to just wait for things to magically fall into place or to just pray that your spouse wakes up one day and changes their mind.

Where Do You Start?: Often, I will have people who tell me that what I’ve said makes sense, but, despite this, they have no idea where or how to start. They are in a situation where they know or suspect that they are the only one who thinks this marriage can work and this can be a very vulnerable and daunting place to be. But, there’s nothing that says you will or even should try to change things overnight. Doing so probably isn’t all that realistic anyway.

I often suggest starting very small. Don’t tell yourself or your spouse you’re out to save the marriage immediately. Instead, vow to just improve things on a day to day basis. You might just want to connect in a light-hearted and positive way and find some common ground. As the load lightens and things become more upbeat, you may begin to gradually tackle the larger issues, but don’t try for too much too soon.

Many of the spouses who are ready to give up on their marriages tell me that they feel like the spark is gone. They don’t believe that things will ever get better. So, your true job is to show your spouse that there are wrong about these assumptions. And, you will often have an easier time showing your spouse this on a gradual basis rather than telling them something which they may not be listening to right now anyway.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that he wanted to give up on our marriage. I knew that it wasn’t over for me and I refused to give up. This stubborn refusal is why I am still married.  It was not easy.  And my husband was not initially on board.  But I don’t regret holding on. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/