Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Wives can be disappointed that their marital separation is not going in the way that they had hoped.  Many vowed to try to improve things during the separation.  The hope was that not living under the same roof might help to soothe the tension of hurt feelings.   Unfortunately, some wives find that they are actually interacting with their husband more negatively during the separation.

A wife might have these concerns: “my husband was the one who wanted for us to separate.  I didn’t agree, but he really gave me no choice.  I had hoped that we would get along better while we were apart so that he might change his mind and eventually come home.  But the opposite has happened.  I find myself feeling resentful and angry.  And I snap at him constantly.  Or if he’s short with me, then I’ll read all sorts of things into his response and demand answers until things get a lot worse.  He also doesn’t follow through on his promises with the kids and this infuriates me.  It’s like he gets to be free and be a parent when he feels like it and I’m just supposed to accept this because this is what he wants.  At the beginning of this process, I’d hoped to save my marriage, but I have no idea if that’s going to be possible now.  We can’t even get along when we’re separated, so how we will ever get along well enough for a reconciliation?”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Understand Which Emotions Are Likely Driving Both Of You: Don’t be so hard on yourself right now.  Being separated is scary and this can bring about negative emotional responses.  Many times, both husband and wife are being driven by fear and frustration.  So it’s safe to say that neither of you is going to be at your charming best.  It can be difficult to be yourself when you are so afraid of making a mistake, especially one that could cost you your marriage.  And when things start to go downhill fast, difficult feelings become even more magnified.

That’s why it’s important to try to take a step back and realize that you might be reacting out of emotions that aren’t typical of you, your husband, or your marriage.  Understand that having troubles getting along (especially at first) doesn’t doom your marriage or mean that you will eventually end up divorced.

Try To Focus On The Little Things That You Can Manage: If you are having difficulty getting along, try to keep things very light.  Don’t try to push heavy or difficult discussions or situations that you know are risky or may not turn out well.  You can leave all of those things for later.  Right now, what is most important is breaking the habits that you might be forming.  You don’t want for your husband to just expect that interactions with you are going to be filled with drama.  Instead, you want for him to know that he can expect pleasant interactions when he is with you.  This is especially true if you still want to save your marriage.

Give Yourself An Exit Route When Things Start To Go South: The worst thing that you can do when you start arguing or fighting is to stand there and continue to offer up more of the same.  Because this usually just makes things worse.  When you see things starting to heat up in a negative way, excuse yourself.  You don’t need to admit that you have to leave because you think that he’s being a jerk.  Just say that you have something else to do and that you will call or talk to him later.   This helps to break the cycle and also shows him that you aren’t going to continue to engage endlessly.   I know that it’s tempting to stay and exchange insults.  But, while this may feel good at the time, you will likely regret it later.  It’s better to just walk away and pick up again when you are both calm.

Have A Frank Conversation About What Is Going Wrong: While I don’t think that you should constantly dwell on your problems, it can help to at least attempt to have a conversation about this issue to see if you can clear the air.  It can allow your husband to see that you really are trying and it can help to clear up some misconceptions.  A suggested script might be something like: “I’m really disappointed that we seem to have trouble getting along.  I’d hoped that the separation would help us heal our marriage, not make it worse.   I will try to do better and I’ll always make an effort to walk away before we say things that we might regret.  But I’d like to find ways that we can improve things so that we don’t need to walk away.  Is there anything that I could do to make things better?  Is there anything that you need from me that you’re not getting? For your part, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make promises to the kids and not follow through.   It hurts them and when I see them hurt, I become frustrated and then lash out.   I think that if we could eliminate some of the things that push our buttons and ask for what we need, we might get along better.  Are you willing to work with me to make that happen?”

You don’t want to be accusatory, but you want to set it up so that this subject isn’t off limits.  You want for him to be comfortable confiding in you and you want to be able to work together to improve things.  Because you will need all of these skills when you progress to the point where you are ready to try to save your marriage.

I have to take some of the blame in my own situation.  When my husband and I first separated, we actually fought more than we did when we were still living together.  A lot of this was due to my own insecurities and fear.  Once I backed off just a little, things began to improve dramatically.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of  how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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