Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, when someone pursues a separation or a divorce, they at least in part doubt their feelings for their spouse. They may suspect that the love is gone. They might point to a lack of chemistry.

Occasionally though, there will be someone who is absolutely sure that they are still deeply in love with their spouse, but they are considering ending their marriage anyway. Their story may be something like this: “I have been crazy in love with my husband from the second I laid eyes on him when I was only fourteen years old. There has just been always something that draws me to this man. He’s wonderfully good looking and he is so charismatic. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. And I care deeply about what people think of me so I’ve always found his attitude freeing and refreshing. But, while I found the bad boy attitude so alluring when I was younger, I almost see it as irresponsible now. Lately, I’ve been thinking that being with my husband makes me see life differently and act differently. I’m in a place in my professional career where the image that I project is very important to me. A couple of weeks ago, we were having a reception at my job and I was almost ashamed of my husband. All of my colleagues have spouses are so accomplished. I am thinking that in order for me to take my career to the next level and to pursue all of my dreams, I might need to end my marriage. The crazy thing is that I am still in love with my husband. There is no doubt about that. And some of my friends say that I am crazy. They say that some people never find their one true love and here I am, considering giving mine away.”

I have to say, that I believe the friends have a valid point. Just to attempt to put things in perspective for you, I hear from so many people whose spouses have left them for a lack of love. I hear from people who tell me the spark is gone in their marriage. It can be a big challenge to get these things back. But you have these things. You almost have every piece of the puzzle.

It is somewhat rare for people to look at their spouse after so many years and to say enthusiastically say that their spouse still immediately puts a knot in their belly because they still love him like crazy. My inclination would be to do everything in my power to keep that. Because I also hear from a lot of folks who have divorced and who find the dating game to be so discouraging and hard. I think it’s a mistake to assume that you will easily find another who you love so much. Many divorced people look back and say that it would have been easier to fix their marriage than it is to find another soul mate so late in life.

To me, it makes more sense to try to tweak your marriage (and perhaps the way that you look at your spouse) before you throw away a man who you clearly love. Many couples are complete opposites and this makes their marriages thrive.

Have you ever considered that some of your colleagues might envy you and your marriage? They may look at your spirited, straightforward husband and wish that they had that sort of escape with their own spouse.

I honestly don’t completely buy the fact that your marriage might hold back your career. You can still pursue every professional opportunity while being married. Sure, you may not have the easiest time talking with your spouse about these things, but plenty of people have professions where they can’t talk shop with their spouse. Doctors and lawyers are prohibited from this because of patient or attorney client privilege.

Many professional people keep their work life and their married lives separate and it works just fine for them. I’d suggest asking yourself if there is anything else going on in your life and your marriage.

If not, I think that this is workable situation. Perhaps you don’t feel professionally supported by your husband. Perhaps you feel that your goal setting makes him a little uncomfortable? All of these are things that can be worked through. And it’s my belief that it is much easier and more practical to tackle this workable problem than it is to find a whole new husband with whom you have so much history, chemistry, and love.

Poets and scholars have been saying it for centuries. We are here on this earth to give, receive, and spread love. If you are lucky enough to find someone who unmistakably fulfills that need for you, then I would fight very hard to hold onto that. Because it’s somewhat rare.

I can tell you first hand that a separation is very painful.  I would advocate avoiding it at all costs if you have a good spouse who you love.  If it helps to give you some perspective, you can read more about my separation on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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