Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  No one wants to be at a point where they are out of control enough to beg someone for something.  And yet, when you are going through a marital separation, are alone, and your husband is refusing to come home, you might find yourself in the position in which you thought that you would never be.

And you might think that – as bad as begging is – if it works, then it would be worth it? Sure, no one wants to have to resort to begging.  But if that is what it takes, so be it.  But what happens if you beg and it does no good?  What happens if you finally bring yourself to go ahead and your husband refuses to make any change?

Someone might describe this scenario: “I have been heartbroken ever since my husband moved out of our home.  I can’t say that I was completely caught off guard.  That would not be true.  I knew that he was unhappy.  I knew that he wanted to leave.  But I hoped that he wouldn’t.  I hoped that the whole process would be too expensive or that he would decide that we could work it out.  He says that he is not happy living with me because our personalities do not mesh very well.  I dreaded the day when he moved out.  And once he did, it was every bit as bad as I knew that it would be.  I am so lonely.  I hate not knowing what he is doing.  We talk every couple of days.  And if I feel like too much time is going by, I will call him.  All along, I have been asking my husband if he has changed his mind about a separation.  And he has been telling me that no, he has not changed his mind.  Well, this past week has been very hard for me.  It is difficult when neighbors ask where my husband is.  I hate going to bed with no one but myself.  So when my husband and I talked yesterday, I broke down and I begged him to come back immediately.  I told him that I did not know how much more I could take of him being gone.  I could hear some sympathy in his voice.  But ultimately, he said no, that he was not ready to come back and that he still needed time. He says he doesn’t know when, or if, he will be ready. This morning, I am still so upset by this.  I humbled myself.  I didn’t want to beg.  But I knew of no other way.  Now he probably thinks that I am pathetic and he’s not coming back anyway. I feel like I have ruined everything.”

Things May Not Always Be As Dire As They Seem: I know how this feels.  And I can’t tell you how common what you are experiencing is.  Many wives are sure that they’ve ruined everything when they have taken a risk.  I was absolutely sure also.  And yet, almost unbelievably, I am still married today.  I know that everything feels very dire and awful right now.  But in time, things have a way of calming down.  Things have a way of being forgotten.

Focusing On What Is Most Likely To Work: Right now, I think that you should place your focus on what is most likely to bring about change.  Experience has shown you that begging or trying to sway your husband does not work.  It is not likely that you are going to be able to wear him down in this way.  And if you continue to try, he may eventually lose patience and start to avoid you.

Also, think about this.  He’s told you that your personality tends to be incompatible with his.  So the last thing that you want to do is show him more of an over-the-top or forceful personality.  Instead, you want to show him the capacity of being calm and approachable.  From my own pitiful experience, begging is not the way to go.  It just makes a husband think that he is going to get more of the same when he comes home.

Instead, you want him to believe that there is something different waiting at home.  He needs to believe that real change has occurred and that it is so genuine, that there is no need for you to beg in that regard. Honestly, real change might make him doubt you less and value you more.  So, consider doing some self work, elevate your self esteem, and make real changes so that you can have confidence that he might eventually want to come back on his own – no begging required.

Try To Slow The Feelings Of Immediacy: I know that everything feels very rushed right now.  But it almost always helps if you can slow, and calm, this down.  Because you can’t think clearly when you feel so rushed.   Please reach out to friends and family members when you feel vulnerable in this way.  When I was in a similar situation, I eventually began calling friends and family when I was tempted to call my husband and potentially making things worse.  This was almost always the right decision.  Because when I backed away a little bit and allowed my husband a little space and created a little mystery, he eventually became much more receptive to me as the result.  And this meant that we eventually reconciled. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin