Leslie Cane Articles

I hear from many wives who are suffering from self-defeating thoughts during (or about) their marital or trial separation. Perhaps the separation isn’t going as planned. Perhaps it is taking longer than anticipated. Whatever the reason, many wives become discouraged early in the process and begin to worry and ruminate.

Here is an example. Someone might say, “I have always been a worrier, but my anxiety has risen to new heights during my separation. My husband asked for time, and I had no choice but to comply unless I wanted a divorce. I thought that my husband would spend a little time away, and eventually, we would pick back up with our marriage. That hasn’t happened. Worse, my husband is somewhat distant to me. I feel like he’s keeping me at arm’s length. And I spend so much of my time worrying about this. I’ve started to fear that we’re never going to reconcile and I’m going to end up divorced anyway. I’m not eating and sleeping, and this process is affecting my life. How can I stop this cycle of worry?”

I understand this predicament intimately. I spent more time discussing worry in therapy as I did my separated marriage. Fair disclosure, this article is going to focus on tips for easing your worries during a separation. If you are looking for strategies to end the separation or to reconcile, I have tons of articles about that (and you can find them using the search function on the right side this blog.) But, this article will focus on how to overcome the worrying. Because if you are like I was, worry can take up most of your emotional energy and time. And that’s no good when you’re trying to survive the separation and save your marriage.

Understanding How Destructive Rumination And Worry Are: A therapist once told me that the biggest detriment to my reconciliation was my incessant worrying. I didn’t understand this until she explained that worry often traps us in a loop that means we do not take any necessary action. Worrying lures us into indecision and rumination when we would be better served taking baby steps toward our goal. Worse, worry saps our emotional energy and resilience at a time when we need it the most. Now that we’ve determined how this detrimental process works, let’s look at how to overcome it.

Face Your Worries Head On: Many of us want to look away from our worries. The hope is that if we refuse to acknowledge them, they will go away. In truth, the opposite usually happens. We keep ruminating over them because we are not doing anything to address them. We create a mental loop rather than taking action. To begin to stop this loop, write down your exact worry and define it as precisely as you can. Be brave.  Put it out there. Don’t edit.

Know That Your Fear May Have Already Happened: Let me explain. Very often, we worry about something that is, at least in part, already our reality. For example, when you lament, “I’m worried that I won’t reconcile with my spouse,” you have to realize that you are ALREADY separated from your spouse. You are not reconciled at this time. Therefore, you are fretting over the same reality that you already have.  You’re already partly experiencing the worst case scenario.  So really, you can only go up from here.

Here’s another example. Let’s say that I want to make new friends during my separation to address my loneliness. But I might experience the fear that “people will reject me and I’ll be all alone.” In fact, if allow fear to influence me and I stay home and don’t attempt to make new friends due to catastrophic thinking, I am already ensuring that I’m alone. Ironic, right?

When You Direct Your Energy Toward Concrete Action, The Worries Diminish: Hopefully, you now realize that: 1) worrying takes up too much emotional energy and keeps you from taking action and 2) you may be worrying about something that is, in part, already happening.

My therapist suggested that I experiment with using my energy to take baby steps toward action rather than worrying. She promised that if I did this, my worries would dramatically decrease. She was right.

Here is what that looked like: I was ruminating on my separation, but by doing so, I wasn’t taking any action to end the separation. Since my husband did not like being pushed or manipulated, the most plausible actions I could take were working on myself and improving my end of the issues that hurt our marriage. Focusing on these issues gave me alternative places to direct my energy, which felt so much better.

Know That Once You Take Action, The Loop May Repeat. But You Know How To Shut It Down: One word of warning. Once you start taking action, you may start to worry again. That’s okay. Because now you know how to shut it down.

For example, if you begin to work on yourself, you may start to worry, “What if I do all this work on myself and it doesn’t even help me?” By now, you already know that you are probably worrying about something that is already a reality. In the above example, I’m worrying about self-work when I’m ALREADY doing self-work. So what is the point of worrying? I’m only slowing my own progress if I engage in worry.

Challenge Yourself And Examine Neutral Facts: If you find yourself continuing to worry once you have taken action, challenge your own problematic thoughts. I could answer the above worry with the response: “Self-work is never a waste of time.” Or “I”m going to do it anyway, so step aside.”

I could also list some indisputable and neutral facts that would make me feel better. Examples are: I have extra time right now; investing in myself has always paid off in the past; or I deserve my best effort.

Understand The Nature Of Worry: Understand that worry is seductive. It will make you feel like you are doing something concrete when you really are not. It will make you spin your wheels when you actually need to get moving. Don’t let it fool you and do not give into it.

I hope this article was helpful. I know how painful worry can be. But I also know there’s a way around it. If it helps, you can read more about my reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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