Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There was a time when my husband and I always had the same old stupid fight. And we hated fighting over that thing so much that we would brush it under the rug as soon as we were able. We’d either half-heartedly make up, or just begrudgingly go on as though nothing happened.  

And we went on like this for some time – until we eventually separated. So I understand why people sometimes tell me that they’re terrified that their same old silly fight is going to one day bring their marriage crashing down.

Someone might say, ” My husband and I have a handful of marital issues that keep on growing and feeding upon themselves. Our marriage gets worse each year. Every birthday and anniversary, I struggle with what to write on his card just a little more. It’s like we are strangers some days. He has become increasingly angry at me. And we tiptoe around these issues. I don’t dare do anything to bring them up and yet, somehow, we always seem to find a way to brush up against them over and over. I’ve tried meeting him halfway, but he doesn’t do the same. I’ve asked him to go to counseling, but he resists that. If we don’t fix these problems, I’m not sure we’ll be married much longer. Yes, we’ve become somewhat good at ignoring these issues, but it seems my husband likes and loves me a little less with each passing year.”

I understand where you are coming from. I had the same concerns in my own marriage, and yes, I did end up separated. But I’m going to tell you something you may not agree with at first. While I do believe that our issues weakened our marriage, I believe that it was a lack of intimacy that really brought us to our knees.

While I think a Lack of Intimacy is Sometimes the Real Problem:  When you have unresolved issues with your marriage, it chips away at your closeness over time. And that’s what I happened to us. When you aren’t close anymore, it’s tons harder to work through your problems. So if you have any issues that make you both bristle, you’re going to be less likely to be able to work together to get through them. So they’ll just continue to dog you, unresolved and lurking.

However, when you were first married or deeply in love, it would have been different right? It would have been in my case, at least. My husband used to think almost everything I did was cute. And when we had missteps and misunderstandings, we were both patient and accommodating.

But this doesn’t happen when you’re at each other all the time when you’ve been married for a while. You can’t laugh off your problems when you aren’t as intimate anymore.

So What Does This Mean When You Put It Together?:  I hope I’ve convinced you that often, a lack of intimacy is as much to blame as one specific problem or problems. But what does that mean, exactly? It means that I am suggesting you do not put the cart in front of the horse. 

Try to gain back some of the intimacy between you before you tackle the huge problems. I know that it may sound as if I am asking quite a bit of you. But start slow. Admittedly, this may be a gradual process.

How to Gradually Restore Intimacy Before Tackling Large Problems:  I’m not going to suggest that you tackle your husband and pretend to be a newlywed the second he gets home from work. He would wonder what has gotten into you and may even be suspicious.

But I would suggest trying to add humor and lightheartedness to your time together. Try to find occasions where you can chuckle together or laugh. Find simple pleasures to take on together like taking a walk, listening to music, playing with your animals (if you have them,) or going to the park. Once you’re comfortable there, begin to really, really talk again.

You’d be surprised at how simple, and effective all of this may be. It may take some time. He may be leary at first. But keep at it. Because it’s even clumsy reconnecting is certainly better than fighting. And once you get the intimacy back, you can tackle the things that are bothering you the most.

Handling Your Biggest Marital Issues:  With any luck, you’re going to find that you have fewer problems once you’re feeling intimate again. Often couples find that the things they were clinging so tightly to just don’t matter as much anymore because everyone is getting their needs met. 

However, for the problems still present, try to meet him halfway and work with a sense of compatibility, playfulness, and cooperation.  

I know that all of this is a lot to ask, but by working methodically and restoring the intimacy first, I did get by husband back eventually. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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