Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from couples who are separated and still having sex.  Many of them confess this fact as if it is an awful thing that is unique to them.  I can promise you that it isn’t.  And if you think about it, this makes sense.  Your spouse is someone who hopefully you have become used to sleeping with and have enjoyed the process.   It’s normal that when this is taken away from you, then you are going to miss it.  And it’s also normal to want to connect physically when you are afraid, lonely, and unsure about the future of your marriage.

And it doesn’t have to be harmful, as long as both people are clear and agree on what the sex means and no one feels taken advantage of.  That, of course, is the great irony of it.  While having separation sex is relatively common, having sex without confusion and worry is not.  People often leave the encounter more confused than ever.  And many (especially wives) feel taken advantage of.

I might hear from one who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks.  For the first couple of those weeks, my husband was truly awful to me.  He wouldn’t talk to me or take my calls.  He told some of our mutual friends that I was selfish and that the separation was all my fault.  This isn’t true, but I guess he felt the need to turn our friends against me.  Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I met at a restaurant to celebrate the birthday of a friend.  Many people were there.  We had a few drinks and a few laughs.  Then the next thing I know, we are back at our house having sex.  I assumed that this would be a one time thing and my husband would be back to being cold again.  But he called the next day and asked me to dinner.  We’ve been seeing each other much more frequently and yes, having sex. A couple of our mutual friends are saying that my husband is just using me.  They say that he is essentially having “booty calls” and then retreating.  I understand their concern, but I do not think that this is completely fair. It’s not as if we have sex and then he avoids me or doesn’t call.  He does.  In fact, for the last two days, we have just talked and laughed on the phone.  There was no sex involved.  Just us talking.  Still, I’m worried that they are right.  Is it possible that he is just using me and will be cold again once he gets his sex fix?”

Well, anything is possible, I suppose. But it seems to me that for now, he is contributing more than just sex.  The two of you are talking and it seems that progress is being made.

What Might Be Your True Worry And A Possible Solution: I think that perhaps your real worry is whether the progress would be made if the sex weren’t present.  There’s a way to test that, if it’s worrying you that much.  You could discuss this with your husband.  You could even tell him that you’re worried that your relationship is just about sex and see how he reacts.  If he stops calling and reaching out once the sex stops, then that’s potentially problematic.

But, you have to look at the totality of the situation.  We are not talking about a one night stand here.  We are talking about your husband.  This isn’t someone you just met and jumped into bed with.  You have a history with this man.  So it’s a big stretch to think that he will sleep with you and just disappear – never to call you again.  If the marriage ends, it likely won’t be the sex that ends it – although the sex can confuse things.  And that confusion can lead to misunderstandings, which can stall or threaten your progress.

My suggestion would be that if anything concerns you or makes you uncomfortable, you have the choice of either being honest with your spouse or you can test it out.  So, you could tell your husband what your friend said and ask for some reassurance.  Or, you could tell him that for now, you want to put a lid on the sex until it’s clear where your relationship is headed.  Either tactic might give you more information.

This is only one person’s opinion. But to me, if a man just wants sex and he doesn’t really have a romantic interest in his separated wife, there are other women that he could seek it from.  It’s more likely that he’s lonely for you and was missing you.  Does this mean that you will save your marriage and reconcile immediately?  Not necessarily, but it certainly means he’s still attracted to you. And that can be a good sign.

Some Questions To Ask Yourself: I think it really depends on how the whole process makes you feel.  Do you feel used?  Or are you consciously deciding that this is what you want regardless of how it turns out?

The answers to these questions are important because if you’re feeling used but going ahead anyway, then you are not coming from a place of strength.  But if you know that although you can’t see the future, you’re choosing to physically be with your husband because it’s what you want, then you are coming from a place of strength.  It never hurts to ask questions or ask for clarification if you aren’t sure.  Just do it gently and in a light-hearted way.  The sex can be awkward enough without asking him to analyze it.  Or, you can retreat from the sex and see what happens.  That might give you more information also.

I probably would have had sex with my separated husband if he had initiated it.  But things were awful between us for a while and I was afraid to initiate it.  Our relationship was so fragile that it probably worked out better that we didn’t have that issue.  We had plenty of others, though.  But we overcame them. You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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