Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who want to know what the odd or chances might be for their separated husband to one day come back. Many worry that the circumstances that surrounded his leaving might have an effect on the chance that he will come back. One common concern regarding this is the fact that the husband was the one who initiated the separation.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past three weeks, my separated husband has finally started taking my calls. I know that this sounds like a little thing, but I have been absolutely ecstatic about it because before this, he was pretty much avoiding me. I was out to lunch with one of my girlfriends and I shared my happiness with her. Unfortunately her response to me was to say something like: ‘I don’t mean to rain on your parade or anything, but the chances aren’t all that great that he is coming back. Just because he’s taking your calls doesn’t mean that he wants to reconcile. I might be more excited about this if you were the one who wanted the separation. But he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who wanted out. So that means your chances are much less that he’s actually coming back.’ This hurt me a lot. Part of me tried to tell myself that this friend just had a chip on her shoulder because her own separation lead to a divorce. Her own husband never did come back. But, one thing that she said actually had a lot of merit. My husband was the one who wanted to separate. I absolutely did not want for him to move out and I did everything in my power to avoid it. And yet, he was still unhappy and he still felt that he needed a break from me. Does this mean that the chances that he might come back are less?”

This is a hard question to answer. If you were speculating without knowing the people or the circumstances involved, you might suspect that yes, a husband who wants a break enough that he initiated a separation might be less likely to want to reconcile than the husband who begged his wife to stay when she was the one who initiated the separation. While there are no absolutes here, I generally find that there’s typically one spouse that is reluctant to separate and one who is pushing for it. Generally speaking, the spouse who never wanted the separation in the first place is the one who is most motivated to get the other home.

But none of this means that the spouse who pursued the separation won’t come home or even that the chances of this are low. Many spouses who were sure that they wanted to separate and who suspected that they might eventually divorce have a change of heart, my husband included. If every one gave up on their marriage when their spouse initiated a separation, there would likely be a lot more divorces.

I honestly would not your friend’s words discourage you. A separation does not mean that he is never coming home, although on your worst days, it can sometimes feel like it. My husband was the one in my own marriage who wanted a separation. And, he wasn’t too happy about taking my calls or receiving my visits for quite some time. In fact, some days he was downright discouraging to me. I knew that, at least at that time, I wanted our marriage a whole lot more than he did. But I had patience, and I worked with what little progress I had. And eventually, we reconciled and he came home. If I had believed that his initiating the separation in the first place meant that my marriage was over, then I would not be married today.

So instead of guessing at the odds and allowing this to discourage you, go with what you know for sure. Yes, you know for sure that he wanted to separate. But, you don’t know for sure what his intentions are today. You do know that your situation has improved because he has started taking your calls. And sometimes, that small improvement is what turns your situation around. When my husband attitude towards me changed even slightly during my separation, I used it as an opportunity on which to build. I would encourage you to do the same rather than to speculate. What do you really have to lose? And you might have a whole lot to gain.

You’re not proclaiming that you’re definitely going to reconcile tomorrow just because he’s taking your calls. But you are gaining hope. And that is reasonable. Don’t let anyone take that away from you just because they are speculating or dealing with their own disappointments. It is your marriage and not anyone else’s. If you want to have hope, then don’t let anyone take that from you.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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