Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose suspect that their husband is having a midlife crisis. Actually, that sentence is misleading because wives most definitely can have a midlife crisis also. But for whatever reason, it is mostly wives who I hear from.

Many have tried any number of things to get their husband to snap out of his behavior. They have tried to be patient. They have tried pointing out how silly he is acting and how dumb he looks. And some try to take a very hard stand by threatening to move out in order to get their husband’s attention.

A wife might say: “I am about one hundred percent sure that my husband is having a midlife crisis. He bought a motorcycle and now he gets together with these scary looking people and he drives motorcycle all over goodness knows where. I tried to ignore this when it first started. I remembered a very wise pre K teacher telling me to just ignore the behavior in my toddler that I didn’t want to encourage and I figured that same advice was good here. I thought that it would eventually fade out, but it hasn’t. Now, he’s started growing his hair long and not shaving. He wears ridiculous looking clothes. I’m embarrassed to be seen with him. He has asked me to come along on his outings but I don’t want to. Instead, I’ve asked him to scale back. And I’ve told him that I think he’s having a ridiculous midlife crisis but he says I am looking at it in all the wrong way. He says that this is the first time in his life that he actually has the time and money to pursue hobbies and he doesn’t think he’s hurting anyone. My question is what’s wrong with normal hobbies like tennis? I am getting very frustrated with this and I feel like I need to do something to get his attention. I’ve thought about moving out for the short term so he’s sees that I’m serious when I’m asking him to snap out of all this. Many of our mutual friends say that I am overreacting. They say that his behavior is harmless and that he’s tried to include me but I refuse.  I don’t think I’m overreacting. His behavior is drastic so I feel that I have to do something drastic also to get his attention. Is my thinking wrong?”

Well, this is only my opinion. I don’t think that your thought process is completely out of line. But I think that leaving your home might cause more problems than it solves. Because sometimes, a spouse who feels criticized may hold on even more tightly to the behavior that you are trying to get rid of.

He’s likely riding motorcycles and exploring new lifestyles because he feels some vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities may or may not have to do with aging. But the behaviors meant to make him feel more free are a defense mechanism. So, if you come in and criticize those same things, he may well become more defensive and cling to those behaviors even more. What you might end up with is a husband who grows his hair even longer and rides his motorcycle even more.

You have to ask yourself what your end goal is. If you want to preserve your marriage more than anything else, than leaving your home is not really in alignment with this and seems to risk what you really want.

If you’re trying to find a way to get your husband to stop the behaviors that we associate with a midlife crisis, I can think of better strategies than leaving him. I know that it’s hard to watch the man you love act in a way that you find uncomfortable. So of course you want to get a resolution to this as quickly as you possibly can. But, when you sound like you are being critical of him, then you sometimes make the process take longer because he clings to his new ideals.

Plus, there is a real risk in leaving your home. Many people leave for what they think is only going to be a short amount of time. But, their leaving brings up all sorts of unpleasant issues that erode their relationship even more. And before they know it, they may have a separation on their hands that lasts longer (and has more disturbing implications) than they could have ever imagined.

I know that you want to get his attention, but leaving him is a very risky way to do it. I’ll tell you the method that I have seen end the mid life crisis in a relatively quick and safe way. It may not sound appealing to you, but I believe it’s a better way to address this than leaving.

The best strategy occurs when you understand what it is that your husband really wants. And my theory is what most men in a midlife crisis really want is reassurance. He wants reassurance that his life isn’t mostly over or all downhill from here. He wants reassurance that even though he is aging, he can still have a fun and fulfilling life. He wants reassurance that he can still feel a sense of adventure and joy.

Sure, right now he’s looking for these things on the back of the motorcycle. But if you can find an outlet that you could both enjoy that helps fulfill this for him, then he would no longer have the need to participate in the behaviors that you’re trying to discourage.

I know that perhaps you were hoping that I’d say that leaving him might snap him out of it.  But as someone who has been through a painful separation, this is just not something that I’d be willing to risk. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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