Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When your husband first announces that he intends to move out, you sometimes think that maybe he is just blowing off steam. You hope that he is just posturing and that perhaps you can talk him out of it.

When you are seemingly not able to change his mind, it is tempting to panic. Many of us feel that we absolutely can not let our husbands cross the threshold or doorway to our home with suitcase in hand.

So many of us have known couples who divorced after one of them moved out. It just seems that most of the time, moving out is the precursor to a divorce.

So yes, there is real and understandable fear there. No one wants to allow their spouse to do something that may well end your marriage. So there can be a real panic to come up with a plan that keeps him from walking out the door.

Here’s a common scenario: “my husband told me about two weeks ago that he was moving out. I was alarmed right away. My husband is not typically the kind of person who makes empty promises. Normally, if he says that he is going to do something, he does it. But in this case, he did not act right away. I expected to see him scouring ads for an apartment. He didn’t do that right away. He was very quiet and seemed to doubt that he had made the right decision. I started to feel hope that he would not go through with it. But a couple of days ago, he started packing bags. I asked him what he was doing and his response was that he was moving out. I commented that I hadn’t noticed him apartment hunting, and he said that he had done that at work. I told him that I did not want him to go. He said that he had thought about it a lot and that he truly believes that this is the best path to take. Now, I am panicked. I worry that he will never come back once he leaves. Some of my friends say that I am overreacting. They say that he may miss me and that him moving out doesn’t automatically mean that we will divorce. Is this true? Is it possible that he may eventually move back in? Or must you stop him from ever moving out in the first place?”

The answer to these questions depends upon the situation. However, my husband did move out, and we did not divorce. I believe that there were times where we were definitely on the brink of divorce. But I managed to turn things around. Certainly, one spouse moving out is a risk.

And we have all known couples who end up divorcing once one of them moves out. This absolutely does happen. And it does make sense to try to get him to rethink all of this, which leads me to my next point.

Carefully Encouraging Him To Change His Mind: You have to be very careful when you attempt to get him to stay. Sometimes, if you take it too far or you come across as too desperate, then he can not get out fast enough. If you handle it incorrectly, you can actually make him more motivated to leave.

So I think that instead of acting desperate or arguing, you want to propose compromises. You might ask him to take a weekend away rather than moving out, or you might offer to sleep on the couch or give him space.

If Your Compromises Don’t Work And He Is Determined To Move Out: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you are going to find that he is determined not to change his mind. In this case, it is tempting to stand in his way when he tries to leave or to make a great big scene.

This rarely works and it often makes things worse. My take on this is that if you have to do something that hurts your cause to make him stay, then you are better off focusing on maintaining a positive relationship with him and letting him go, at least momentarily. But this is only one person’s opinion. The idea is to get him home as soon as possible. But you will have a hard time doing that if you damage the relationship trying to get him to stay.

If he does go, you want to try very hard to agree on a schedule to communicate and to check in. The ideal thing would be to set up a counseling schedule. Not all spouses will be willing to do this, but that is ideal.

If your husband is resistant, then try to get him to agree to meet with or talk to you at specified times. This will allow you at least some time each week to try to check in, reconnect, and try to begin the reconciliation process.

This is very important. From my observations, couples who have no plan or couples who just leave their separation to chance are more likely to end up divorced. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to go to counseling, it pays to have a plan. Educate yourself. Identify your issues and have a plan to address them.

Because if you can do that, then your husband will no longer have a reason to want to live apart. If you can reconnect and gel again, then he may eventually want to reconcile and move back in.

I know that this is hard. But not all marriages end when someone moves out. It does take work, and sometimes a little luck, to get him to move back in. But it is most definitely not impossible. And sometimes, it allows for the drama to calm down and gives him a chance to miss you.  I was lucky that this eventually happened for me.  I had serious problems in the beginning because I played the desperation card.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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