Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are constantly being told how very unhappy their spouse is. It seems that their husband never passes up an opportunity to let them know exactly how miserable the marriage is making him. And yet, it seems that all he is doing is talking with no real goal or objective. Nothing changes. He just releases the hurtful words and continues on, with no changes on the horizon.

Needless to say, this can be very frustrating and hurtful. Because he can lay it on so thickly, you can begin to wonder why someone who is obviously so unhappy would not only retain the marriage, but take no action at all.

Here’s what I mean. Here’s a description of this type of scenario: “For about the last six months, nothing that I do makes my husband happy. He takes every opportunity he has to tell me just how unhappy I make him and just how unhappy he is in our marriage. He will say things like: ‘we never do anything exciting. All we do is fight. It’s like living with a roommate that you don’t even like. Sometimes I wonder if we should have never gotten married. Sometimes, I think that we are not compatible at all.’ And then he will just sulk. I will try to engage him, but he makes it clear that he is done. It’s as if all he wanted to do was to hurt me by having his say and then he wants to just end the conversation. This is maddening to me. Because nothing ever changes, but he never shuts up about it. If he’s not going to pursue a divorce, then why does he keep yapping about it? What is the point?”

I understand your frustration. You feel that, at this point, he’s just going on and on to be hurtful and annoying. And I could understand why you feel that way. But there may be some other reasons that he’s all talk and no action.

Understanding His Motivations: Have you ever considered the possibility that perhaps he wants change but does not want a divorce? Perhaps he isn’t mention the “d word” (divorce) or the “s word” (separation) because he doesn’t even want to go there? I am by no means defending your husband. But I think that it is possible that he is continuing to complain because he doesn’t know how else to get a resolution. And clearly, he really wants a resolution.

Since he’s not given you any indication that he isn’t just biding his time about pursuing  a divorce, I don’t think that there’s necessarily a reason to panic.  But from experience, I learned that it’s always a bad idea to assume that your husband will never pursue a divorce.

From Someone Who Has Been There, Words Are Better Than Facing A Divorce: I know how frustrating this is. I developed the habit of blocking my own husband out in my own marriage because we fell into a pattern sort of like this one. Nothing seemed to change. And we sort of got into this awful pattern of complaints, resentment, and stagnation.

You almost get to the point where you feel like you want something drastic to happen just to get you out of your holding pattern. But I can tell you first hand that a separation is not a good way to end this. I ended up separated and there were times where I would have gladly have returned to my holding pattern of complaints. Unfortunately, at that time, my husband did not appear to be willing to go back.

Taking The Initiative To End The Habit: It may be that if you are waiting for some action to break this frustrating holding pattern, you may have to be the one who breaks it. You might start by asking yourself what is really bothering your husband and what he truly wants. This is harder than it sounds. At times, people are just blowing off steam. But many times, there is a reasoning behind their words, even if they are not being forthcoming about those reasons.

If you can determine what is truly bothering him, than you’ve made the first step toward getting out of this pattern. Once you know what is motivating him, you can figure out what he truly wants. And you can evaluate how easy or hard it will be to provide this. Sometimes, it truly is an easy compromise to restore harmony. Other times, you have to work a little harder.

Make Sure Your Conversations Involve Real Talking, Not Just Spoken Words: If you truly don’t know what is at the core of this, then it makes sense to change up the tenor of the conversation. Sometimes, you think that you are talking, when really, you are not. The two of you are just sort of spewing words and relying on the same script, but nothing real is being said.

To change that up, you might try something like: “I hear what you are saying, I truly do. But I think that we have gotten in the habit of saying vague things that we can’t act upon. We need to talk in specifics. We need to get very precise on what is truly wrong. When you say that we never do anything, I need for you to change that up and say or define what you want to be doing. When you say that you don’t think that we are compatible, I need for you to be specific as to what is bothering you the most. Where are the most troublesome differences and what can we do to fix them? Because obviously, just listing our grievances isn’t doing us any good. We both deserve a happy marriage where we are both satisfied. So our conversations need to be less of a laundry list of our complaints and more of a brainstorming session as to how we can fix them. Can we make those adjustments? Because I really want for things to change for the better for us. And I feel that with just a few adjustments, we can do this.”

It’s not easy to break the habits you’ve gotten into. You have to watch one another and then remind one another when you resort to old habits. But with practice, you can learn to have constructive conversations instead of just gripe sessions. And I think you have to find it meaningful that he hasn’t pursued a divorce. Perhaps he doesn’t want one. Perhaps with his complaints, he is really trying to bring about change, but he doesn’t know how.

I wish that I had taken my own suggestions.  My own husband was probably more patient than I gave him credit for, but I started tuning him out.  When he couldn’t get my attention with his complaints, we eventually separated.  Of course, I wanted to turn back time at that point, but could not.  Saving my marriage seemed almost impossible then, but I eventually did it. You can read how I did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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