Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who know that in order to save their marriage, both they and their spouse are going to need to make some serious changes. And quite often, the spouse who contacts me is more than willing to make these changes. But they aren’t sure if they are going to see the same changes from their spouse in return. They are often hoping if they take the initiative, their spouse will follow the lead. But they can wonder if this is all just wishful thinking or if they are being unrealistic.

An example of what you might hear in this scenario is something like: “I know that both my husband and I need to make some serious improvements or changes in order to save our marriage. I know that I need to be more responsible and reign in my spending because we fight about money all of the time. He also feels that I am not affectionate enough with him and that we do not have enough physical intimacy. I am willing to work on all of those things, but he needs to accept that he needs to make some changes too. He doesn’t help me out much and therefore I am tired and not often in the mood for sex because I’m juggling a million things. He’s also not the most affectionate or complimentary person. He only pays attention to me or gives me compliments when he wants to have sex with me. And I know that we both need to change how we handle conflict. As soon as we get angry at one another, we lose our cool and one tiny disagreement can turn into a huge fight. Things escalate too quickly with us. I am very committed to changing my own problematic behaviors. But I don’t know if my husband is willing to do the same. I am hoping that he just follows my lead, but he’s not the most perceptive person in the world. Is there a chance that he will change once I do so that we can save our marriage?”

I definitely think that one of the most effective ways to inspire change in your spouse is to show him that you are willing to do the same. However, I often find that many people make common mistakes when they attempt this process. So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to make this progress go smoothly so that you can have success.

Start Slowly And Gradually: This wife had listed a lot of changes that she wanted to make within her own life and her own marriage. Everything that she had mentioned with a worthwhile goal. But if you’ve ever tried to make lasting and meaningful lifestyle changes, you already know that this can be become overwhelming and challenging, even if you start out strong.  New habits are a matter of repetition for at least thirty days straight. I would suggest picking the thing that you most want to change and then starting there. Give yourself enough time to make a lasting change before you move onto something else. Because the last thing that you want is for your husband to perceive that he can’t trust in this change so therefore he shouldn’t put in the effort himself.

In A Very Positive Way, Share Your Intentions With Your Husband: I don’t want to tell you to spell out exactly what you are going to do or even to list the changes that your spouse can expect to see. Because this is often met with resistance, skepticism, or doubt. With that said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your husband that you are going to be making some improvements to yourself and to your marriage. You might even mention something vaguely, such as to tell him that in the near future he’s going to very happy with the new money habits that he is seeing.

But then you really don’t want to mention it again until the changes have been made. And when you do bring it up, you want to be very upbeat and positive. You’re not trying to brag or to make your husband feel bad by comparison. You just want to bring his attention to the change. Once this is done, then you systematically tackle the next change on your list. Eventually, your spouse won’t be able to deny that you have held up your end of the bargain. And he will hopefully just naturally want to be reciprocate. But there are also some mistakes to avoid here also.

Don’t Expect For Him To Read Your Mind: Many people assume that their spouse is well aware of what needs to happen or of what you want. This isn’t always the case. He may generally know that you’d like more affection. But, being a man, he may not really know how to express this and the idea of trying and failing may make him feel very uncomfortable.

So sometimes, you will need to be very specific. I would suggest that when you are talking about your own changes and your husband compliments you, then you might say something like: “you know, it really wasn’t that difficult because our marriage is more important to me than my bad habits. I think we could do even more things that would make us both happier. I’d really like it if you could occasionally tell me that I look nice and rub my shoulders like you used to. I know that this might seem silly to you. But these things make me feel loved and feeling loved makes me want to be more intimate. Do you think that you could make this effort?”

I’d be willing to bet that your husband will be willing to try, especially since you’ve already put in so much effort. Make absolutely sure that you praise every effort that he makes. The whole idea is to make him very willingly want to participate and to please you.

I will admit that when I was trying to save my own marriage, I went overboard.  I tried to tackle too much for too soon and, because I failed miserably, my husband didn’t believe that change was possible.  So I had to start all over from scratch.  I eventually prevailed but not without a lot of mistakes first.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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