If I Am Less Accommodating To My Spouse During Our Separation, Will It Force Him To Come Home?
By: Leslie Cane: It’s natural to want to be friendly and accommodating if you are on a break or trial separation. You feel like it makes sense to be on good terms with your spouse because this is going to allow you to work together and to hopefully get along well, despite the circumstances. The hope is that this cohesiveness works better for your family and will hopefully allow you to eventually reconcile.
After this goes on for a while though, you can begin to feel taken advantage of. It can begin to feel as you are the one doing all of the giving and all of the accommodating. And you can start to wonder if maybe you are doing this all wrong and if you’re trying to accommodate him could actually be making it easier for him to distance himself from you.
Someone might say: “for the last three years, I have supported my husband while he has been in school. This was not a decision that we rushed into. My husband supported me while my children were small. And now we are in a position where he can significantly increase his income with another degree. However, he chose to attend a school that is quite a distance away. So he commutes and this has taken a toll on our marriage. He decided that he wanted to live on campus because the commute was making him more tired and creating more pressure. And that was the beginning of our marriage falling apart. After a while, he decided that he wanted to separate, which hurt after all I have done for him. Now, because he lives far away, I drive our children out to see him to spend time with their father. Supposedly, he is so busy studying that coming to them would be a significant hardship for him. So I drag the kids to him and I will often bring dinner so that he doesn’t have to feed them. But some of my friends are telling me that I am being ridiculous. They say that I am making things way too easy on him. They say that instead I should be making things hard on him to show him just how much being married to me is benefiting him. My mom even went so far to say that I should tell him that I will no longer pay for the school so far away and I should insist that he transfer to the school closest to our home if I am going to be footing the bill. My husband feels that our neighborhood school has an inferior program, but my mother says that this is just too bad for him. I am torn. I resent that I seem to be doing all of the accommodating. But I love him and I still very much want to make my marriage work. And I want for him to finish school because that would benefit everyone.”
I can certainly see your thought process. And it really stinks when you are the one who feels like you are jumping through hoops while he’s just taken a comfortable seat while he’s watching you doing it.
You Don’t Want To Push Too Far: That said, I think it makes sense to think a little more about uprooting him from school. If he is thriving there and the program would help your family’s financial situation, then I am not sure that I would abruptly end that.
And stopping it as a strategy to force him to come home because of finances is, at least in my opinion, not the best idea – at least in terms of getting him home as the foundation for a successful reconciliation. He will likely be resentful and he will have full knowledge that you were trying to manipulate him. This doesn’t leave you with a good start your new lives together and it doesn’t give you a head start on saving your marriage.
But There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Reasonable: I do not see anything wrong with letting him come pick up and feed his own children. He is the one who chose to separate, so it makes sense that he must deal with the inconvenience that this is going to bring about. I think that your bringing his children to him and feeding everyone is a nice gesture, but one that isn’t necessary. He’s an adult. He is their father. He can come and get his own children and then feed and entertain them.
Again, this is only my opinion. In my own experience, it is best to try to keep the relationship as positive as is possible during your separation. This ensures that you have access to your spouse and it helps you to make progress. However, with that said, you don’t want to be a door mat. You don’t want him to think that you have nothing better to do than to make his life easier. You have your own life. You have your own goals. And while I think it is wonderful that you are supporting his career goals, I don’t think that you have to also worry about his parenting life too. He’s more than capable of doing that. And you can use that time to do something nice for yourself.
I will admit that I was over accommodating to my own husband during our separation and I honestly think that it lowered my value to him. He took me for granted. Once I changed this up, he saw me differently, which was a positive thing at the time. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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