Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some couples are very concerned about defining the right living arrangements during their separation.  Often, they still have some hopes of saving their marriage.  And, they don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize this.  However, they also must make a decision as to who should move out and who should stay.  They often don’t want to appear combative or inflexible, but they don’t want to vacate their home, either.

One of them might explain: “after months of having serious problems in our marriage, my husband and I decided that the best thing to do was to try a marital separation in the hopes that this would help us to put things in perspective.  But now we have to make a decision as to who is moving out.  I personally don’t want to move out.  My parents have offered me my old room.  However, this isn’t really an appealing thought, but my husband has no other place to go. I want for us to get along during the separation because my real goal is for us to reconcile and to live in this house together.  So, I’m willing to move out if it will help to keep the peace.  But my friends are telling me that this is a horrible strategy because if we end up divorcing, then I have to fight to get my home back.  I don’t want to even think about divorce.   And we’ve both agreed to the separation.  It’s not as if he’s kicking me out or as if I’m abandoning him.   What is customary here?  Who moves out when a couple is separating but hoping to prevent a divorce?”

The answer to these questions really does depend upon both people’s wishes and their personal housing situation. But although I know that many disagree with me, I think that the best case scenario is that no one officially moves out at all.  Or, alternatively, that the couples take turns temporarily staying somewhere else.  I’ll explain the reasoning behind this (and offer tips on how to make it work) in the following article.

Why I Feel That It’s Best That No One Moves Out:  I know that it’s not always possible, but I think that the best solution is for both spouses to stay in the house, although they will likely live in different areas of the house.  This way, no one has made any move to make this situation more permanent.  Since no one has taken the drastic action to leave the house, it’s hopefully less likely that anyone will leave in the future.  Additionally, when no one moves out, it is easier to have regular contact.  This, too, is vital.

How To Give A Spouse “Space” When Still Living In The Same House: If you can get your spouse to agree to live together while exploring more independent lives, it’s important that you define as many specifics as possible so that this actually works.  There will be questions like:  Do we sleep in separate beds or in separate rooms? Do we not eat meals together? Am I not supposed to ask where he’s going or how he is? What about the kids?

I strongly suggest coming to an agreement on all of these questions before the “space” is actually supposed to start. This will make things much easier for everyone. I know that it is awkward to have these conversations. But it is honestly easier to just take a deep breath and to have a direct discussion than to have avoidable misunderstandings and awkwardness.

You can try to keep it casual and make it so that your delivery sounds accommodating instead of demanding. Try to make it sound like you want to understand how he envisions things so that you can try to make sure he’s getting what he needs. You might try something like, “can we talk about the ‘space’ issue for a minute? I’m not sure how you want for it to work and I’m asking for clarification. How much ‘space’ are we talking about? Are we supposed to live as if we both live alone? Or do you just want more alone time than you have now? Will we eat meals together? Will we still parent the kids as though nothing has changed? Will we tell them? How do you want to handle these things?”

If he tells you to just “wait and see” then make sure that you follow up and ask specific questions when such situations come up. It’s better to casually ask than to have hurt feelings or to assume something that just isn’t true. Unless your husband is adamant about telling the kids, I don’t see the need to upset or confuse them. If it’s possible that the “space” will be enough and you won’t need to separate.

As good as it can be to define your roles during this “break,” there are often some things that you just have to play by ear. For example, you may get invited to events as a couple and you’ll have to figure out how to navigate this.  Or, you may want to go and see a new movie but aren’t sure if you should assume that he’s going with you. I think it’s best to just straight up ask him how he wants to handle these things as they come up.

In terms of the actual “space,” I think it is best if you just try to let him come to you more. Don’t assume that he wants company. Busy yourself with solitary things and then let him come to you when he feels like company. This way, he can’t claim that you didn’t give him what he asked for. I know that it might feel lonely, but it is so much better to try to comply in the hopes that this phase passes.  Giving him liberal space at home is better than making him feel that he has to move out in order to get what he’s asked for.

The Alternative Of Taking Turns Leaving The Home:  Sometimes when I offer the suggestion that no one moves out, one of the spouses has a problem with this.  Some people feel that in order to get the space that they want or need, they can’t be in a situation where they are still living under the same roof as their spouse.   If this is the case, then it’s my suggestion that both people take turns staying somewhere else for a while.  This way, no one has to worry that the other person is making a claim on the marital home in the case of a divorce down the road.   Repairing your marriage in the midst of separation is difficult enough without having to worry that your spouse is scheming to make sure that you are homeless in the future.  Simply put, the ownership of the house is not something that you should be worrying about when you want to save your marriage.

I also think that it’s best that both people find very temporary living arrangements when they leave the home.  In other words, you want to stay with family, friends, or at a hotel rather than renting an apartment.  Because if either of you procures long-term housing, then there is a lot less incentive to make your marriage work or to solve your problems quickly, efficiently, and for good.

So to answer the question posed, I think that it’s optimal that neither spouse moves out during the separation.  But, if this isn’t possible, then I believe that you should both move out, although it will likely be on a rotating schedule.  I know that some won’t agree with my opinion on this, and I know that these solutions don’t work for everyone.  Having a spouse move out and live in an apartment does not mean that you will never reconcile.  However, I can tell you from experience that it can be much harder to save your marriage when you are living under a different roof.  After my husband moved out, things became very difficult, although we eventually reconciled.  (There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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