Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, the people who I hear from are trying desperately to convince their spouse to end a separation in order to reconcile. Sometimes though, I hear from the spouse who is pushing for the separation or who feels as if they need space. Often, this unsatisfied spouse isn’t sure what they want in terms of their marriage. Occasionally though, I hear from someone who wants to both separate and improve or save their marriage at the same time.  In short, they are thinking that the separation is actually going to help them to rebuild their marriage.

Common comments in that situation are things like: “I want to rebuild my marriage. It has become stale and cold. I’m no longer happy. My husband takes me for granted on a daily basis. He’s also somewhat selfish. I’ve asked him to go to counseling but he balks at this. I feel like he has no motivation to make things better because he lives with me and he assumes that I am not going anywhere. So, I am seriously considering leaving him and pursuing a separation in order to get his attention. The hope is that once I’m gone, he will realize that I am serious about seeing some serious change and improvement. And he will have no choice but to work with me in order to save our marriage. Do you think that this might work?” I’ll answer this question below.

Although I have found that a separation can sometimes improve your marriage, I believe that this can be a risk that may not be worth it. I believe that there’s probably a decent compromise that might work just as well without the risk. I will discuss this more below.

The Risk Of Separating To Try To Shake Up Your Marriage: I absolutely understand wanting to scare your spouse into taking action. It’s no fun to feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. It’s frustrating when you see a path which might make things better, but you can’t motivate your spouse to take it.

At the same time, I hear from a lot of folks on my blog who are separated and who wish with everything that they have that they weren’t.  Sometimes, despite their best intentions, there are often assumptions or issues that get intensified when you are separated. Sometimes, despite the best intentions, you can find yourself in a situation where your marriage is hurt, instead of strengthened, by the separation.

Not only that, but not all couples come back together (or even attempt a reconciliation) after a separation. Some couples fully intend to reconcile but never do. This is a real and significant risk. That’s why I think that it’s better to try a few different things before you have to go with this route.

 Consider Giving Him A Deadline Before You Consider Taking Some Temporary Space : I understand why you want for your spouse to realize that you may be forced to leave if you don’t get any significant change. But I believe that it’s possible for you to stay put and still get the same result without the risk.

The next time the issue comes up, you might want to consider something like this: “do you have a second to hear me out? I know that you’ve heard me repeatedly say that I feel unappreciated. I know that this may not be of the greatest importance to you, but it is hugely important to me. I need to see more of an effort on your part. I don’t expect for you to change dramatically over night. But I do need and want to see a considerable effort. I don’t want to feel like your roommate any more. I believe that we need counseling. But if you refuse to consider this, then I will need for you to take some serious initiative so that I see some real improvement. If this doesn’t happen, I may have to take a break for a while to evaluate what I want. Because this has been going on for a while with no real change. I need to see that you are taking me seriously. Can I count on you to really make a concrete effort?”

Understand that you may not see him enthusiastically jump into action. He may struggle at first. But it’s important that you acknowledge even his small efforts. If you want him to keep going and to keep trying, he has to know that you are noticing even the small, initial efforts. The key is to create some momentum so that he wants to keep going. Sure, you won’t get immediate results. But frankly, small, gradual results over time turn into major changes that actually stick because they are actually sincere.

So what happens if he doesn’t make the effort? At first you might bring this to his attention in the hopes that he will come around. He needs to see that you aren’t just going to give up. If he still doesn’t make the effort, then perhaps you go stay with friends for a while, just as you have indicated. In that way, you are trying to get the same effect as separating, but you’re not leaving permanently and you have control over when you come back. And you also do not have the risk.

But to answer the question posed, separating can improve your marriage. But it can also damage it. And in my opinion, it’s just not worth the risk.  As someone who almost lost my marriage over a separation, I wouldn’t recommend willingly taking that step.   I was able to save my marriage.  But it would have been easier if we had lived under the same roof.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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