Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Typically, the people that I hear from the most are those who want to save their marriages. But sometimes, I do hear from those who are considering ending or walking away from their relationship. Many of them want to make sure that they end things in the right way or they want insight as to why they might be struggling with it in the way that they are.

Someone might say: “I am seriously considering leaving my husband for someone else. No, I’m not having an affair. Nothing inappropriate has happened. It’s just that I have been able to reconnect with my high school boyfriend. And I have known for all my life that he was my soul mate. I thought that I would never see him again. We were together for over three years. We survived being in different colleges and being young and in love. We broke up over something stupid and I have longed for him ever since. He ended up marrying the girl that he started seeing after me. But because I knew that we could never be together, I picked up my life and I eventually ended up with my husband. I can not stress enough that my husband has been a good man. He has been a wonderful husband. We have had some happy times. He will be devastated. But I do not think that I could be fully aware that I might have a chance with my first love and not take it. He’s going through a divorce now and he says he realizes his mistake at not fighting for me all those years ago and that he has thought about me as much as I’m thinking about him. I’m happy to have this chance, but worrying about my husband takes away my happiness. I feel awful about this, but I can’t turn away from my chance with my soulmate. Why do I feel so badly?”

I think that there are many potential reasons for your feelings here. And because the question was asked, I will list them. I admit that my inclination is always to save a marriage and to honor that commitment. So I am admittedly biased and I’m upfront about that.  But I still hope you’ll have an open mind.

Your Husband Is Admittedly Innocent: I think that one reason you feel so badly is because, quite honestly, your husband did nothing wrong. In fact, it appears that everything was fine before you connected with the ex. You admit that your husband is a good man and that you were happy. And so you know that you are throwing all of that away – a solid marriage with a husband you admit was a good one who did nothing wrong – all on the slight chance that you will make it with this new relationship when you could not make it before. (And when the ex is in a delicate emotional position, as he’s going through a divorce.) Yes, I know that you were young. But honestly, this says something also, which leads me to my next point.

Your Relationship Would Not The Same One That Existed Years Ago: People change. It could be a mistake to think that having a relationship with this grown man is going to be like having a relationship with the boy that you knew. You can look up the statistics about this, but I can tell you that they’re not all that promising. Because often, people who pick up with their “first love” are actually chasing the idea of the first love. They are chasing that feeling of being young and carefree just as much as they are chasing the person. And what happens if that person has significantly changed as most of us do when we become adults? The truth is, you have to ask yourself if you’ve been around this other man enough to really evaluate your chances. Since nothing inappropriate has happened and it’s pretty much been a facebook relationship, I’d say that the answer is probably that you haven’t.

Leaving Your Marriage Without A Fair Chance: Another big issue that I suspect that you are facing is that you might know that you haven’t earned your way out of your current relationship. By earning your way out, I mean that often, in order to walk away from your marriage with a clear conscience so that you can go into any new relationship in a healthy way, you need to know that you have done everything in your power to save that marriage or you need to know that the marriage is so unhealthy and toxic that it is not worth saving. Neither is the case here, which is probably why you are experiencing guilt and remorse already.

I can not tell you that you would not be happy with the other man. The statistics and the circumstances are stacked against you, but there is always that stray couple who makes it. However, before you pursue this, I’d highly recommend giving yourself the time and space to work on your marriage first. You made a commitment to an admittedly good man. And you likely know in your heart that just walking away from that man before you even give himself a chance to fight for his marriage is not the right thing to do. If the other guy is really your soul mate, he will understand.

See? I told you that I was biased.  But nearly losing my husband made me see just how precious marriage truly is.  Of course I had a high school boyfriend. Of course I still think of him from time to time.  But that wasn’t real life.  What I have today is.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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