Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we say or do things based on the emotion of the moment. This can be especially true when we sense our marriage or our spouse changing in an undesirable way. Sometimes, we take this so far that we ask or tell our spouse to leave. And we might be surprised and disappointed when they actually do it. But it is when things calm down that reality hits us – and serious regret sets in. We realize that we want him to come back when he only did what we asked – which is to leave.

Someone might recall this scenario: “my husband and I have been arguing about money for the last seven months. We’ve had issues before, but our fights have gone to a whole new level. My husband invested more money than we could afford. I was angry when I found out about it. When we discussed it, I asked him if there was anything else that I needed to know. I told him that he may as well get the bad stuff out in the open. I told him I would rather find out about everything all at once than learn about it later. He told me that I knew everything and that there was nothing else to tell. Well, last week, we got a statement in the mail. I do not normally open financial documents. I normally leave that to my husband. But something told me that I should. So I did. And I found out there were other accounts I did not know about and that we are in far more financial trouble than I knew. So when my husband got home, I let him have it. I called him a liar. He said that this is exactly why he didn’t tell me, because he knew that I would overreact. I was so mad I told him to get his stuff and get out. He tried to reason with me, but I would not calm down, so he eventually left. Now I’ve been without my husband for almost a week and I have calmed down. I’m still angry. Very angry. But I realize that I would rather work with him to get us out of this mess than to end my marriage. But now I don’t know what to do. I am the one who asked him to leave in the first place. I don’t want to look stupid by saying that I suddenly changed my mind. And he might be so mad that I asked him to go that he may refuse to come home.”

It’s normal to worry about how you are going to be perceived in a situation like this. When my husband and I were separated, I became very scared to admit what I was really feeling. I did not want to appear desperate and I did not want to be in a situation where my feelings would make my husband distance himself. Plus, it sounds very silly now, but I hated the thought that I would want or miss my husband more than he wanted or missed me. This is silly because I made my pride more important than getting my marriage back on track – which should have been the real goal.

However, getting a negative response from your husband is a real concern. And I think that there is a way that you can broach this topic without as much risk. The next time you talk to your husband, you might try a conversation something like this: “I have been thinking a lot about last week. I have an awful lot of regret about it. I did have a right to be very angry. No one likes to be mislead. But I do realize that I still overreacted. I wish I’d never asked you to leave. I have no idea what your feelings on this might be, but I’d be open to trying to stick together in the future instead of scattering at the first sign of trouble. I know that we have a tough road ahead, but I suspect it would be easier together instead of apart.”

Then, listen to what your husband has to say. He may well say that he feels the same way and that he is relieved. Or, he may say that he is still processing things and that he needs time. And that is OK. The real goal is to let him know that you’re aware that you overreacted and to lay a foundation of positive communication moving forward. He may not move back in right away, but even if he doesn’t, that gives you time to talk about things and to define and understand the issues.

Sometimes, people are so anxious about him moving back in that they rush things. They don’t talk about the issues and then, very shortly, they are fighting again and the homecoming isn’t so happy after all because you’re dealing with a replay of what happened before. It’s better to take your time while regularly communicating and working toward a resolution. That way, him coming home will be much more harmonious.

I understand not wanting to look stupid and indecisive.  It took me a long time to let my true feelings show to my separated husband.  In the middle of our separation, almost everything that I said or did was perceived incorrectly.  We eventually got back on track, but not without a lot of awkward and painful times.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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