Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are people who have told me that even though their spouse hasn’t yet mentioned a separation or divorce, they know that it is coming. Because they can feel it. They notice a subtle shift in their spouse. He appears to be losing interest. He’s restless. And you can almost see the wheels spinning in his head, looking for a way out. You often aren’t exactly sure what to do about this, but you suspect that if you could just get him to feel something positive for you again, you might find a way out of this marital funk.

A wife might say: “I honestly don’t think that my husband feels much for me anymore. He’s polite to me. But he is polite to everyone. My husband is simply a nice guy, so he would never be mean to me. He would just sort of be indifferent, in the way that he is right now. If something upsetting happens to me at work, he will listen because he is courteous in that way, but he doesn’t attempt to comfort me. He doesn’t go out of his way to ask after me or to see if I am okay. He doesn’t go out of his way to spend one on one time with me. It’s as if we coexist, being polite to one another but not really engaged in our married life. Frankly, I can’t even get him to get mad at me. The other day, I was frustrated with him just treating me as if I were furniture in the room and I lashed out at him, trying to pick a fight. I wanted to get some type of feeling from him. But he basically just said that he was going to go out with friends instead of fighting with me and he left. He came back home after I was asleep. The other day, I asked him if he still loved me and he said that he wasn’t sure what he felt. Honestly, he doesn’t seem to feel anything at all. And that’s what is hurting me the most. I want him to feel genuine feelings for me again. He hasn’t said anything about moving out or separating. But I don’t see how we can’t be headed that way. We don’t interact in the way that a husband and wife should. He doesn’t seem to feel intimately toward me anymore. And I want to get that back. But I worry that it’s too late and the feelings are too far gone.”

Why You Should Never Concede It Being “Too Late” Until You Have To: I am not sure that it’s in your best interest to concede it being too late. I know of MANY marriages (including my own) where a separation or divorce was in the works because both people felt that it was too late. And yet, I am still married. If I had just given in and declared it “too late,” I’d surely be divorced by now. And I’m very glad that I’m not. Like your husband, mine had seemed to lose all interest in me. We even separated. I did many different things to try to get the feelings back and it only seemed to make things worse. Looking back now, I was acting out of desperation and this was obvious and unattractive. It wasn’t until I stopped trying so hard and allowed for things to happen somewhat naturally that the feelings started to return. If you can do this BEFORE your husband actually moves out, I would highly recommend this. You certainly can get the feelings back and save your marriage after a spouse has left, but it’s going to be more challenging, at least in my experience.

Reallocating Time And Attention:  So how do you begin? You ask yourself why the feelings left. In many cases, it is simply a matter of time and real life having their toll. After we are married for some time, we put our priority in other places. This is understandable as we have a job, a house to run, children to raise, and parents to care for. However, when we give our time and attention to these things, we can take it away from our spouse. As a result, our marriage can not help but suffer. And as we begin to take time and effort away, the feelings can begin to fall away also.

The remedy is to replace the time and attention, but this isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. Sometimes, when you attempt to do this, it feels awkward and forced. Or your spouse will wonder what you are up to and then resist. Sometimes, you have to move more gradually so that it feels more natural and can unfold on its own (which was definitely the case for me.) However, even small efforts can pay dividends. Start small and maybe just take a walk after dinner.  Just listen instead of talking.  (Of course, if you know of any issue in your marriage that is causing problems, you want to remove that issue.) But if the distance is simply a matter of growing apart, often time and attention will begin to bridge that gap. Your spouse may resist you at first because it may feel like you shouldn’t have to make a big effort in your marriage. But I would argue that things are always so great in the beginning of courtship for exactly that reason – you are making an effort. And if your marriage isn’t worth the effort, then I don’t know what is. Saving my marriage WAS a huge effort, but it has also had the greatest reward.  Divorce was the last thing I wanted.  You can read more at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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