Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I got an email from a wife who was filled with regret.  To make a very long story short, she and her husband had been having problems for quite some time.  They still loved each other, she thought, but the relationship had evolved into something that neither of them recognized any more or liked very much.  There were no huge fights or volatile times.  They had simply “drifted apart” and “fallen out of love.”  They had tried desperately to reignite the spark but had not been successful.  After a while, filing for divorce seemed like the “right thing to do.”  So, the wife did.

However, every time she had to interact with her husband, she was filled with regret and longing.  It hurt her deeply to even see him.  She wanted to fall into his arms when they sat across the table from one another in the lawyer’s offices.  The husband was not that receptive to her because her filing for divorce had very much hurt him.  She worried that she’d made a huge mistake that she could not undo.  She worried that it was really too late.  She wanted to know if she should be honest and tell her husband that we wanted to try again or if she should just go through with the divorce, (as painful as it was,) and cut her losses.  I will share some insights in the following article.

Is It Too Late To Get Him Back When You’ve Already Filed For Divorce?:  It’s really never too late, in my experience and opinion.  Now in this wife’s case, the time frame where the divorce was going to be final was coming up relatively soon.  I worried that she might act in haste or in panic and felt it might make sense to see if she could spend some low key time (without putting any pressure on the situation) with her husband to see if he was still feeling the same way.

It was entirely possible that it was guilt and sorrow that she was feeling and all of these jumbled and negative feelings were contributing to her indecision. She and the husband were still on cordial terms.  It would not be that much out of the ordinary for her to offer to buy him a cup of coffee.  And, there was nothing wrong with her confessing that she wanted to continue to be in one another’s lives and to remain on close and good terms.  Once this was out in the open, she could see where this went.

What I didn’t want for her to do was to make rash decisions or declarations which would only make her feel more confused.  If the meetings went well and things were going smoothly between them, then she might tell her attorney that she just wanted to hold off on moving forward with the divorce for a while.  This didn’t mean that she had to call the whole thing off or withdraw what she had already filed.  It just meant that she wasn’t going to aggressively pursue a “final” judgment right now. (Note that I am not an attorney and you should consult with yours about any legal strategy.)

Of course, the husband was likely to wonder why she was doing this.  There is nothing wrong with telling him that she felt the whole thing was moving too fast and she just wanted some time to get her bearings and process this before moving forward.

How To Make Sure That It’s Really Different This Time: The real place where this couple was vulnerable, in my eyes, was in going full speed ahead and then finding out that the same old insurmountable problems existed and that nothing had changed.  This was what absolutely could not happen if they were going to be successful.

This is when it can make sense to change things up.  She did not want to put too much pressure on this situation. Once she took the threat of an immediate divorce off of the table, she should just focus on strengthening their relationship.  And, I didn’t mean continuing to be cordial but cool. I meant real intimacy and vulnerability and closeness that had been missing for so long.

It did not make sense for her to dwell on their problems or to revisit them.  What I wanted them to revisit were the two people who were drawn to each other in the beginning.  Because, in the beginning, these two people loved hiking and camping and staying up all night talking and laughing.  They had not done this for years.  And, when they were together, they were certainly polite. But, no one was laughing.  And so when this sort of good-natured banter starts to wane, so too, does the intimacy.

I wanted for the intimacy to return before they even thought about “working through” their problems.  What they needed was some light-hearted interaction that would put a smile on both of their faces and would bond and unite them.  Only when this has been reestablished and running smoothly for quite some time should they then attempt to tackle the larger issues.  But, there was a long distance between that day and today.  Right now, the goal should only be to reconnect and rediscover what attracted them to one another in the first place without any pressure or deadlines.

It was not me who wanted out of our marriage.  It was my husband. Luckily though, I felt that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to stall a divorce and then to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.