Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Although many of us dread the worst happening when we separate or concede to giving our spouse “space,” or “time,” most of us really want to believe in a happy outcome. In our heart of hearts, we want to believe in happily ever after and in families that find a way to stay together. 

That’s why, even if it looks like divorce might be possible one day, many of us hold out hope that our husband is going to change his mind. We hope that one day, he will see all of this more objectively and will realize that splitting up a family is just wrong. Or he will see that our relationship problems can and should be fixed. Many of us hold out this type of hope when things begin to look quite dire. And we’re still shocked when he announces that he still wants a divorce or plans to go forward with it. 

Someone might say, “I can’t sit here and say that my husband was dishonest with me during this rough patch in our marriage. He told me that he was unhappy as soon as he noticed a shift in our marriage. And then he asked for a separation when he felt that the shift could not or would not change. I tried to talk him out of separating because I was very fearful of anything that would break up our family. And my husband told me that he was hopeful that the separation would only be temporary. I am still not sure if he was dishonest about this to only get me to agree. But this assertion gave me hope that he wasn’t completely on board with ending our marriage and that it might be safe for me to hold out a little more hope. Well, last night I feel like he really dropped a bomb on me. We weren’t fighting. Nothing had gone wrong. But he told me that he is still considering a divorce, although he hasn’t filed anything, retained an attorney, or taken any concrete steps toward an actual divorce. I am so stunned and shocked by this. I guess in my mind, I thought that my husband just had some things to sort out on his own, but that ultimately, he loved our family and he would change his mind about a divorce. I feel like I gambled when I allowed him to walk out the door for a separation. And now I have potentially lost my marriage over that gamble. If I lose my marriage, I do not know what I will do.”

It May Help To Adjust Your Perspective: I am not sure that you have to accept defeat yet. Your husband has not taken any real steps yet toward a divorce. He could if he wanted to, but he hasn’t. This means that there is still time. 

I also am not sure I agree with your idea that you gambled and lost. When my own husband asked me for a separation, I was sure that accepting it would be the same as divorce. And yet, fighting my husband on the separation and refusing to work with him brought us closer to divorce than the separation ever did. I honestly think that trying to work with your husband is almost always going to give you more access to him and more goodwill with him – both things that you need to avoid a divorce in the long term. I ended up seeing the separation as something that I didn’t want – but also something about which I had absolutely no choice. If I didn’t give it, my husband was just going to take it via simply leaving me and then possibly filing for divorce. By going along, and I bought myself some time, which is part of the reason I am still married.

I hope you see my point. Even if you thought he would change his mind, I’m not sure that you had much of a choice about the separation if your husband was dead set on wanting it. 

This Is More About Making Necessary Changes Than About Any Game Of Chance:  Comparing a separation to gambling implies that you have no say or influence on the outcome. While you admittedly cannot make your husband think or feel anything, I believe that your behaviors and actions most certainly CAN influence his thoughts and feelings.  

What’s more, if you can change or begin to improve those issues that make your husband want a divorce, then you’re not gambling anything, you’re taking positive, concrete actions. 

Honestly Is Vital As You Evaluate How To Make Progress Moving Forward:  So how do you begin to make the most important changes that might change his mind about a divorce? You get brutally, and sometimes painfully, honest. Define why your husband wanted the time apart in the first place. Although this is very individual to each couple, a loss of intimacy, a sense of restlessness, a lessening of commitment/effort, and a loss of connection/excitement are all very common issues and decent places to look. If you have a good handle on WHY this went south, then the way out and HOW to fix it becomes obvious. 

Your Biggest Questions and Obstacles Moving Forward: Your most important questions are: 1. What would your husband want from you to bring you closer together; and 2. How could you display those qualities considering that you don’t have constant access to him? Admittedly, it can be challenging to show your husband that you’ve become more attentive, less controlling, more willing to compromise, etc. (fill in your own blanks) when you don’t see him every day. 

That is why you have to make the most of the opportunities that you do have. I know that your sporadic conversations can seem inconsequential. But they don’t have to be. Know that if you can create positive communications about the small things, you can grow this goodwill so that eventually, you are making progress about the big things. Yes, it is a gradual process that requires patience. Yes, it will require you to move deliberately and thoughtfully. Yes, you must have a long-term plan that you’ll have to carefully implement in tiny steps. 

But I am an example of how it can work in practice. I believe that my husband was very close to doggedly pursuing a divorce. And I was very close to just accepting this as my sad fate. But I decided to try a few more things. And that made all of the difference. I believe that there is nothing particularly special about the things I did or how I did them. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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