Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you suspect that your husband may be coming home or that you may be close to a reconciliation after separating, you may think that you have everything that you could possibly want.  You might be very grateful that this very scary and trying time in your life might finally be over.

But then you may have some time to start thinking about things.  And that is when the worry sets in.  You start to wonder if in fact this is going to “stick.”  You start to take an inventory.  You ask yourself if there are any issues that might cause you to slide back into old habits.  You ask yourself if there is still any anger, resentment, or nagging issues that might put your marriage at risk when you try to reconcile. And if this is not the first time that you’ve been close to ending your marriage, then you may worry that given some time, you’re going to end up right back in the same place.

Someone might ask: “I do not want to jinx myself by saying that I feel like my separated husband and I are going to reconcile.  But I have to be honest and say that all signs are pointing that way.  We have been ‘dating’ each other for about six weeks.  At this point, my husband is practically living at home.  We are together more than we are apart.  No one has come right out and said ‘let’s reconcile.  Let’s have you move back in at a certain date.’  But my husband keeps bringing more and more stuff over so that eventually all of his things are going to be here. I suspect that a big deal won’t be made, but that we will just begin living together again full time.  Do not get me wrong.  I am thrilled about this. But I worry that things will eventually end again.  We have a long history of breaking up and getting back together – even going back to the days that we were dating. When my family heard that we were separated, my mom actually said ‘well, you’ll eventually reconcile.  And then you’ll break up again and the cycle will start all over again.  That’s just the way that it is with you two.’  The thing is, I don’t want for it to be that way anymore.  I want to get back together and stay together.  How do I know that it’s not going to end again?”

I don’t think that there is any way to 100% ensure guarantees.  None of us can ever know – or control- what tomorrow brings.  But what we can do is to try everything in our power to strengthen our marriage, our negotiating skills, our problem solving style, and our commitment to stick it out so that when problems crop up – as they always do – no one runs out the door all over again.

There Will Always Be Problems.  The Key Is Learning How To Deal With Them: People often assume that folks in good or very long marriages simply don’t have a lot of conflict, problems, or stress.  I have found that this just isn’t true.  Every human being is going to have stress at some point.  Everyone is going to face hardship.  Every marriage will be tested.  I believe the differences between those marriages that are strengthened by the stressors and those that collapse or buckle under the weight of the stressors are the problem-solving skills and the commitment of the couples who hang in there.

Simply put, they refuse to give up.  They keep talking, even when it’s difficult.  They might take a break, but they know that they are committed to their marriage and are not willing to walk away.

Getting The Commitment (And The Skills) That Are Necessary: Not all of us know how to do this without some help, training, or education.  Many people learn these skills from counseling.  Others grew up in a household where it was stressed. If you or your spouse don’t have these skills, you can learn them.  It’s important that you do. Because once you are sure that these positive marital skills have become a habit to you, then you aren’t as likely to worry about the problems coming back or your marriage ending in the future.  You’ll know that you’ve done the work (and are committed to continuing to do so) to make your marriage strong and your commitment unbreakable.

It was not my natural inclination to learn new relationship skills during my own separation.  But it became obvious that I had no choice.  It was the best thing I could have done.  Because of course issues have cropped up since my reconciliation.  That’s just life.  But we are now able to deal with them rather than panic over them.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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