Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: We all know that when our children are infants and toddlers, these few years can be very hard on our marriages. As much as you love your children, you are forced to pour every ounce of energy and effort into them. This can take energy and effort that might have gone into keeping your marriage strong, and displace it to somewhere else.

In some instances, spouses can feel a little jealous or resentful of this, even if you love both your spouse and your children very much. Even when we know that small children can be disruptive to our marriage and we make every effort to counter this, we can still find that it is having a negative effect.

So you might tell yourself that if you can just get through these trying few years, things are going to be a lot better. One day, you reason, your children will be grown and you’ll be free to focus on your marriage. This is a lovely thought. But it’s not a reality for every one. Because once you hit those teen-aged years, the parental stressors that you thought were behind you might come crashing back. And this can tax your marriage more than you ever thought possible.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I were coasting along wonderfully in our marriage. But then our kids became teenagers. And now our house is so stressful and filled with hate. We fight all of the time. My husband thinks that I am too strict and I think that he is slacking off on the job of parenting. If it was up to him, our kids would stay out until all hours without having to notify us. Yes, I nag my children. But if I didn’t, there would be no boundaries. My husband seems to feel that we have our parenting days behind us and now we should just enjoy our ‘alone time.’ I feel like our kids need us more than ever. They are now at the age where the decisions that they make – to drink, to party, to participate in risky behaviors – may have an impact on the rest of their lives. I don’t take that lightly. And I’m not just going to kick back and go on a parental hiatus because my husband is tired of parenting and not strong enough to handle teenagers. Last week, we got in an awful fight about – what else – our kids. My husband said he was sick of the whole thing and that he was going to leave and live on his own. He said I don’t take his opinions into consideration when it comes to parenting anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t even present. I told him that his idea was ridiculous, but he wouldn’t listen. I honestly think that this might destroy my marriage, although that sounds silly even to my ears.”

The Teenage Years Can Be Very Hard On Marriages: I don’t find it silly at all. Experts and statistics will tell you that the two most stressful times of parenting are when a child is an infant and toddler and when a child is a teenager. It’s also a time when people are faced with memories of their own teenage years, which also can cause conflict, especially when you and your spouse have two different personalities. For example, I am a very straight arrow. I never skipped school. I never drank or smoked. My husband, who is more responsible and laid back as an adult, was a bit of a problem teen. He did participate in risky behavior, which had some consequences. Our differences have actually worked for us lately. They add spark. But, if we were parenting teens, there is no doubt that these differences would be an issue. I’d likely take a firm grip whereas my husband would think that part of growing up is making mistakes.

And frankly, both of us would have valid points of view. I think the trick is finding that balance between setting boundaries and giving your kids a little leeway to explore and feel the consequences of their own actions. The problem is that in the teen years, even this compromise is risky. Because these are the years where we are talking about drinking and driving and teenage pregnancy. So you DO need to watch your teen more closely.  At a time when many parents tend to start to pull away, this is the time when you actually need to be moving even more close.

Safeguarding Your Marriage: The trick to all of this balance is going to be to not destroy your marriage in the process. I think that one way to do this would be to sit down with your husband and agree on some rules and boundaries that just are not up for negotiation. Agree on a curfew. Agree that the kids will text you when they get to or leave their destination. Agree how often they will be allowed to go out. Agree on the consequences if they break the rules. Make sure both kids understand this and realize that there is no wiggle room.

With these boundaries created, there no longer needs to be so much debate or argument. Just carry out what you have already agreed to when needed. And you will not need to argue regularly anymore because you’ve already established what is or is not acceptable.

When the kids are out or away, make the most of your time with your husband. That way, he won’t feel as neglected or like you spend all of your time parenting. But when the kids are home and you need to be a parent, then don’t make apologies, but try to keep harmony. It’s very important that you keep a united front. If your kids smell weakness, they will exploit it. That’s normal. But when they exploit it, this chips away at your marriage.

I know it sounds cliche. But if you can get past these next couple of years, it will be behind you. And if you can work hard and get it right, you’ll have kids who have thrived in their teenage years and a marriage that is still very much in tact.

From experience, I know that it’s vital to handle serious conflicts like this the instant they come up.  If you let them fester, it truly can lead to the destruction of your marriage, as I found out.  I was able to save my marriage, but it was a very scary time. There’s more of this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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