Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people that I hear from are concerned that their spouse is either going to leave them or has already left. Sometimes though, I hear from folks who suspect that their spouse wants to separate but isn’t willing to be the one to walk out the door. Instead, they feel that their spouse is trying to manipulate them into being the one who leaves.

A wife might say: “there is no doubt in my mind that my husband wants a separation. He clearly is not happy. He is always saying that we are not a good match and that we are not compatible. However, I can also tell that he worries that he has invested a lot of money into our house and he is afraid of losing financially in the event of a divorce. I know that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. But he doesn’t want to abandon the house. So he keeps telling me that since I’ve always complained about the bigger size and the upkeep of the house, then I should find myself a cute little apartment and go with that. He says that he enjoys taking care of the house but he knows that I don’t. Clearly, he wants me to be the one to leave him. The thing is, I don’t care about the house but I do care about my marriage. I don’t want a separation or a divorce. It hurts me that he is clearly trying to push me out. But I wonder if we even stand a chance when he so clearly doesn’t want to live with me anymore. He cares about the house more than he cares about me.”

I can understand why this is upsetting to you. But, you have a choice as to whether or not you want to leave. If you don’t feel that this is the right choice, then you have every right to say so. I think that the outcome of your marriage is much more important than who is living in the house and I’m sure that you agree.

I know that this is not a conversation that appeals to you as it’s a pretty safe bet that it is going to be awkward. But I can’t imagine how you ‘d get around having this conversation anyway. You might want to try something like: “I need to make it clear to you that leaving you and our home and living in an apartment doesn’t appeal to me at all. And it has nothing to do with whether or not my home is too big or too much maintenance. But it has everything to do with the fact that you are my husband and my home is wherever you are. I know that things have been rough for us lately and you are obviously not happy. But I would certainly like to have the opportunity to fix it before we talk about who is moving out. Having a discussion about one of us leaving seems awfully premature to me. I have no plans to move out or find apartment. I have no plans to leave you or to walk out on our marriage and I hope that you can say the same.”

At this point, it’s best to listen to his response. He may not be sure how to respond at first because perhaps this isn’t what he expected for you to say. I would suggest doing whatever you can to avoid getting angry, defensive, trying to debate with him or declaring that you’re not leaving and he can’t make you.

At the same time, the house is yours too. It is your home. And while he can make all sorts of suggestive and leading statements in an attempt to manipulate you or to elicit a response, it truly is up to you how you are going to react. If you do not want to leave him and your home, then nothing says that you have to, at least right now while you are still married.

I think the best first step is making it clear that you don’t intend to go anywhere and then to attempt to focus on making things harmonious at home. And by this I don’t mean that you will solve all of your problems at once. That isn’t realistic. But if you can set it up where things aren’t as tense and you are both clear on your intentions and are interacting in a more positive way, then at least you have cleared the way for solving the issues later, as your marriage can tackle the more difficult obstacles.

There’s no indication as what the true problems were. The husband trying to get his wife to leave was likely only a symptom of something else. If you can address the true and core problem, then you’ll likely see the symptom go away also which means that you likely won’t hear him giving you loaded comments meant to inspire you to leave him.

After making it clear that you don’t intend intend to go anywhere, I’d suggest trying to calm down the atmosphere in the home.  Take the pressure off of the marriage for a while by just taking things very slowly.  It’s important that this process feels as comfortable as possible.   It is easier to save your marriage if neither of you moves out.  I know this first hand because I had to save my marriage after my husband left.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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