I Think My Husband Likes Being Separated
By: Leslie Cane: If we’re being honest, I think that most separated wives have to agree that they are secretly hoping that their husband is miserable during their marital separation. This is partly selfish. We are hoping that if he is miserable or unhappy, then he will be more apt to talk about reconciling or coming home.
So we are looking or listening for any sign that he’s a little down or lost. And although we don’t mind him returning to happiness once we’ve reconciled, we figure a little misery for the short term won’t hurt anything. So we listen to his tone of voice. We watch his body language. We are monitoring for any sign of distress.
Unfortunately, we do not always see this. Sometimes, we see just the opposite. Sometimes, we can not help but notice that there’s a new spring in his step and a lightness in his voice. Frankly, we can sometimes realize that he doesn’t seem unhappy at all. And if you are being honest with yourself, you have to admit that he almost seems a bit gleeful. At first, you might tell yourself that you are just being paranoid, but there may come a time when it can not be denied any longer.
You might hear something like: “I hate to admit this to myself, but I honestly think that my husband enjoys being separated. This is my worst fear come true. Neither of us have lived on our own for over 10 years. I expected him to struggle. I expected him to realize just how much I handle for him and then realize that being alone is a lot of work and is quite lonely. Honestly, most of the time, my husband is a home-body. However, he’s been hitting the town since he has lived alone. So many mutual friends have reported spotting him out with other friends. I have actually run into him a few times. A couple of times, I approached him and other times, I made sure that he didn’t see me. Each time I saw him, there is no denying that he seemed animated, energized, and happy. Quite frankly, he even looks younger. I feel that the opposite is true for me. I feel like that I have aged five years. I’m very sad and anxious all of the time. I fear losing my marriage. When we talked yesterday, I actually considered mentioning this to him. But I’m very afraid that he will confirm my fears and I am not sure how I would ever react to this. And I worry that if he is happy during the separation, then he will never come back. Is this true?”
I honestly think that there were times when my husband was almost giddy during our separation. And my goodness how it hurt. But, we are still together today. It was not a seamless separation. There were times when I was sure that we would divorce. I honestly think that there were times when my husband thought that a divorce would be preferable. And yet, here were are. The point I am trying to make his that happiness during a separation doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is never coming back.
But here is something that I REALLY want you to understand. Things change. And especially during a separation, feelings and perceptions change. Sure, he may feel happy right now. It honestly might be a relief to have all of the tension and pain behind him. But that doesn’t mean that every single day without you is going to be gleeful.
It’s very common for the newness to wear off and for the glee to settle down. In my own case, I suspected that my husband felt a little like I did when I went away to college. I sometimes clashed with my parents and I did feel some momentarily relief when I suddenly didn’t have to answer to someone anymore or be in the tense household.
This feeling didn’t last. Once the novelty of college wore off, I realized how much I missed and needed my parents. And I also understood how I had misjudged them somewhat. Once I did visit home, I appreciated them in a new way because the distance made my perception change.
The point is, it is quite possible that once the newness of this wears off, your husband’s perceptions will change also. And I’d like to also point out that a person being happy doesn’t mean that this person isn’t going to reconcile with their spouse. Quite frankly, two happy, well-adjusted people are what you want in a marriage. His happiness and your reconciliation should not be opposing forces. You should be able to have both of them at the same time. In fact, if he’s happy and in a good mood, then your reconciliation may actually be easier because he will be more agreeable.
Now, it’s important to be careful here. You don’t want your fear at his happiness to cause you to bring him down when you are together. Greet his happiness with your own so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable around you. Make sure that he feels at ease when you speak and are together. You want him to know that you truly have his best interest at heart and don’t oppose him being happy. After all, if he thinks he can’t be happy with you and can only be happy without you, this is a problem. Show him that both states of being can exist.
About the time that the novelty wears off, he will realize that you’ve been nothing but supportive of him. This is what you truly want. Of course, I learned this the hard way. I feared my own husband’s happiness and this clouded the way that I reacted when we were together. He started to avoid me. I had to completely change my strategy to get him back. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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