Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are nearly desperate for a resolution to their marital separation. But for whatever reason, their spouse seems to be reluctant to come to a final decision.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about four months. I have always hoped that we would find a way to work things out. I never wanted the separation in the first place. He was the one who was unhappy. I tried very hard to talk him out of moving out. But he insisted and now we are separated. For the last several weeks, I have asked my husband what he has decided in regards to our marriage. We are getting along OK, but he hasn’t made any effort to move back home or file a divorce. It is like we are in limbo. So I asked him if he is going to end the separation or if he is going to file for divorce. He says that he doesn’t know what he is going to do and that he doesn’t have any immediate plans. This makes me very frustrated. It is almost like he hopes that I get will get tired of waiting and will go ahead and end the separation by initiating a divorce. This isn’t what I want. But I’m also tired of waiting. It seems clear to me that he hopes that the separation will just resolve on it’s own. He’s obviously not willing to make a decision. What can I do now?”

This is a tough call. Because often if you rush or pressure your husband, the result is not going to be what you might have hoped. If you rush him, it’s my experience and opinion that he’s more likely to just go ahead and file for divorce than he is to come home. So, you will often have to decide if you would rather give it more time or if you would rather have a divorce for your resolution.

This wife seemed to still be very committed to her marriage and she still had hope that it could be saved. So I believed that a compromise was probably the best way to go about this. I will discuss this more below.

Tell Yourself That The Outcome Is More Important Than The Time Frame: Believe me when I say that I understand your lack of patience. My separation went on for months. I was desperate to get my husband back. The last thing that I wanted was to admit defeat and accept a divorce. But after months of waiting and not seeing any progress, it became obvious that a quick resolution just wasn’t going to happen.

But as I attempted to rush or pressure my husband, it became very obvious that all this was doing was making him angry and contributing to him distancing himself from me. So I decided that it was better to keep waiting (even though this was definitely no fun) than to push and face an immediate and definite divorce.

Of course, only you can decide if waiting is worth it to you. But sometimes, if you wait (while still living your life, of course) you at least continue to give your marriage a fighting chance.

Waiting for him to make a decision doesn’t mean that you have to put your life on hold. One reason that the waiting is often so painful is because you feel as if your life is in limbo. It can seem the your entire life existence is based on work, school, or waiting for him to come to a decision so that you can either start working on your marriage or beginning the process of letting it go. So you just sit there and kind of hold your breath, just sort of marching in place.

I understand this because I was very guilty of it. But nothing says that you have to live this way. While you are waiting, nothing says that you can’t live your life in a positive way. Nothing says that you can’t work on yourself and grow and improve. It’s highly likely that you now have time to pursue the hobbies that you have been putting off for years. You can take a class. You can see friends. You can start an exercise program. Essentially, you can do any number of things that would lighten your load, make you happy, and make the time pass more quickly.

Frankly, this will often make you appear a bit more attractive to him. It will also sometimes inspire a little curiosity with him. It is actually not at all uncommon for him to wonder why you have quit asking about his decisions or about a resolution. And sometimes this is precisely when he becomes motivated to start thinking about things a bit more quickly. Because you have stopped the status quo. You have taken the initiative and changed things. And this will often inspire him to stop treading water and start deciding what needs to happen.

Of course, when this process starts, you want him to think of you favorably, that’s why it’s very important that you try to appear upbeat and as if you are taking full advantage of the extra time that you’ve been given. You want for him to think of you favorably when he is deciding on a resolution. And he isn’t likely to do this if you continuously demand a firm answer. But if you instead focus on the positive and seem happier and more carefree as a result, he is more likely to reach out to you because there is much less conflict and pressure when he does.

I think that my husband dragged his feet during our separation because he was leaning toward a divorce and he didn’t want to hurt me.  I was eventually able to change his mind and get him back home.  But, this took time and if I had pressured him, I would not have had that time and would have likely gotten divorced.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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