Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who describe very cold living conditions because of their marriage. They’ll often admit that their husbands treat them with almost complete indifference. This is even worse than living like roommates because at least most roommates regularly communicate with one another and sometimes even exchange pleasantries. But these wives don’t even get that of back and forth.

Many of these wives have tried various strategies to address the problem. They’ve brought the issue to their husband’s attention, only to have him deny that anything is wrong or to claim that the wife is being overly dramatic. Some have tried to initiate better communications, only to be rebuffed or ignored. Despite this painful situation, most of these wives want to save their marriages, but they aren’t sure if this is even remotely possible. 

One of them might say, “My husband seems to care less about my happiness, or even my existence. Yes, we live together. And we are even still married, but he gives near-strangers more attention and consideration than he gives me. He isn’t abusive or anything like that, but his neglect feels like its own form of cruelty. He acts as though I’m not even worth any effort. He’ll respond when I speak to him, and he’s not horribly rude or anything. But he makes it very clear that he doesn’t care what I do, who I’m with, or what I’m experiencing. He doesn’t care that I’m unhappy and frightened about the future. He just doesn’t want to be bothered by me. Is there any way out of this? Can anyone save their marriage in this type of situation?”

I believe that anything is possible, but you’d need to work on communication and kindness before you could address your marriage. It’s very challenging to transform your marriage if you’re not communicating effectively. Here’s how to start: 

Identify Any Underlying Resentments Are Negative Emotions That Contribute To His Lack Of Care:  Many of these wives are very troubled by their husbands’ extreme distance and lack of care. These wives are certain that if they were dealing with a stressor like illness, job loss, or trauma, their husband wouldn’t even think of helping. Many of the husbands give off the impression that it doesn’t matter to him if his wife is present or not. Worse, the husbands show no emotional investment at all. They don’t seem to care about their wives’ happiness or well-being. And being asked to pretend to do seems to annoy them. This leaves the wives worried that getting him to care again is just too much to ask. 

This is admittedly a hard road. But fixing it is possible if you can identify where all of this indifference is coming from. Sometimes, people will back away emotionally and turn off their feelings if they feel resentment or if they perceive that they’ve been slighted in some way. 

Much of the time, wives are completely in the dark about what they might have done to justify the husband’s indifference. These husbands won’t share their struggles or experiences, so the wife is left to guess what the issue might be.  

I think it is worth it to aggressively address the elephant in the room and straight-up ask him to identify the real issue – bluntly if necessary. Yes, he may put you off, or deny that anything is wrong, but keep trying. And try when things are calm. Try when you can keep the accusations and desperation out of your tone. Be matter-of-fact and state that his indifference to you has become very noticeable and you want to understand how to address this.

Do not use “me,” when you begin. Don’t tell him how you feel or how this affects you. Instead, put the focus on him. Why? Because this makes it more likely for you to get the response that you need. 

Try something like, “I notice that you seem a bit indifferent and unhappy lately. Is there anything that I can do to make things better? Is there anything that I have done to cause this?”

He may scoff or even respond with sarcasm, but even these frustrating responses can still give you some information. And at least you’ll know you’ve made a start at opening the door to more. 

As Challenging As It May Be, Treat Your Husband In The Way You Want To Be Treated To Build His Empathy:   Please don’t stop reading because of this suggestion. I know that I am asking a good deal of you. Giving your husband the kindness and acknowledgment that you so badly want seems backward. But I promise you that I’ve seen this strategy work many more times than not. 

The premise of this plan is that you’re demonstrating the behavior that you yourself want. If your goal is for your husband to show you more caring and affection, then make sure you’re generous with your affection toward him. Pay attention when he talks. Ask open-ended questions. Show your concern every chance you get. Invest heavily in his well-being.

I understand that this can feel very lopsided. It can feel almost non-genuine.  

This can feel unfair or wrong at first, but often, your sincere attempt to treat them how you want them to treat you will melt their hard exterior. It is easier to feel empathetic to someone who is repeatedly trying to help you and treat you will kindness. And when he begins to feel empathy toward you, he will treat you more kindly. Admittedly, this can be a gradual process, but it’s better than pouting, reacting in anger, or debating with someone who won’t engage anyway.

Granted, you may have to try this for a while before you make significant progress because sometimes, your spouse is determined to remain combative. However, as it becomes clear that you’re going to move forward with positivity and empathy, he will often begin to waver some. His resistance will wear away. As he feels more understanding from you, he will naturally release the grip on his nastiness. 

Often, when you invest heavily in our spouse, he will eventually invest in kind. When you show him that you are very interested in his experiences and feelings, he may well eventually return the favor. Granted, it may take a while to chip into his hard armor, but if you are patient and steadfast, it can be done. 

Remember The Best Of Him: Much of the time, you are dealing with a husband who wasn’t always this way. Many wives recount a husband who was extremely sweet and attentive during their courtship and early marriage. But somewhere along the line, something changed. The key to turning this around often hinges on figuring out what changed and then addressing that thing until it is fixed. Once it is, he will often feel more loving toward you and more invested in your happiness, just as you are in his. 

My own husband had become extremely indifferent to me and withdrew from me and our marriage. Thankfully, I am very stubborn and I didn’t let this stop me. I continued to methodically chip away, even though he showed no interest and we eventually separated. By eventually finding the right strategy singlehandedly, I was eventually able to save our marriage, so it was worth it in the end – even if I mostly did it alone. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com