Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the folks who reach out to me are reluctantly-separated spouses. By this I mean that the ones who reach out are usually not the ones who pursued or wanted the separation in the first place. They are typically the spouse who desperately wants to save their marriage and who are trying to formulate the best strategy and attitude in order to make that happen.

Occasionally though, I hear from those who initiated the separation and who are now having second thoughts about it. Many of them have started to miss their spouse, are tempted to pursue a reconciliation, but also have some doubts about their motivations or about the authenticity of their feelings. Here is what I mean. A separated wife might say: “I am the one who pursued the separation because quite frankly, I was not happy with my marriage. I feel that my husband takes me for granted and hasn’t been contributing as much as he should to our marriage. For the past three years or so, he hasn’t made me feel special or particularly loved. He’s never cheated on me. He has always been a good provider and husband, but I’ve felt that something has been missing. So I asked him to move out. Much to my surprise, after a couple of months of living separately, I started to miss him. Despite his faults, he has always been my rock and not having that steady presence with me is something that I miss. Plus I am lonely. There is no denying it. I had to take my car to the shop alone and it made me realize how nice it was to have a husband to handle those types of things for me. At my kids’ soccer game, I felt guilty that their father wasn’t there. All of these things have started to make me somewhat open to a reconciliation. But I worry that I am motivated by the wrong reasons. My husband says that he will change. But how do I know that this is true? I worry that this is just my loneliness talking and also my vulnerability. How do I know that I want to go back for the right reasons?”

Changes In Perception Are Very Common During Marital Separations: I want you to notice something that I think is important. Nowhere above did you mention finances. So none of your motivations seem to be financially-motivated, which says something (because financial motivations for reconciling are extremely common.) To the contrary, your motivations seem to be based on the desire for stability and also on your emotions. You wanted to feel more deeply-cared for by your husband. It wasn’t as if he were a bad husband or was cruel. It was just a void.

But now that you have a real void – where he isn’t there at all, your perspective has changed somewhat. And I suspect that this perspective might have made you open to the idea that although his taking you for granted was upsetting, it is possible that you are guilty of the same, (evidenced by the car service incident. ) The truth is, we all take our spouse for granted some of the time. It isn’t until we don’t have constant or easy access to them that we realize this.

Evaluating The Validity Of Your Feelings: You might be experiencing nothing more than a change of perspective. And I’m not sure that, right this second, there is any real way to test the validity of your emotions. I think that the best thing that you can do is to not make any rash decisions and to give it a little more time. If time passes and you still miss your husband, then you can have more confidence in the validity of your feelings.

Another thing that you might want to do to gain some confidence is to watch your husband’s behavior. Is he showing signs of appreciating you more or of taking your marriage more seriously? Does he seem like a man who is sincere and who is going to make good on his promises? Has he done what you have asked him to do or what he claimed that he was going to do?

Asking yourself these types of questions can be a good way to “test the waters” so to speak as far as your emotions and your relationship is concerned.

The Presence Of Doubts Can Be Telling: I’d like to make one additional point. I often hear from people who are extremely sure about the separation. They truly have walked away from their marriages and are pretty much at peace with this decision. In no capacity do they miss or long for their spouse. And even when their children do miss their parent, these spouses don’t feel a huge amount of guilt about this because they feel in their heart that, in the long run, the separation is best for the family.

My point is that if you don’t feel this way, that might be a good indicator that you also have some valid doubts about the separation. This doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile tomorrow, but it may make you feel a little better about those feelings that you are having.

The good news is that you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can continue to monitor your feelings while watching your husband’s behavior.

I think that everyone has doubts when a reconciliation first enters their mind.  There is always the fear of failure and of rejection.  It is just human nature.  I’m glad I went ahead anyway because it means that I am still married today.  But everyone is different.   You can read more about the process that took me from separated to reconciled at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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