Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Believe it or not, many folks feel as if their marital problems are mostly their fault.  And although they would very much like to save their marriage, they often wonder if this is a selfish desire.  Sometimes, they admit that they think their family might be better off or happier if they would just accept a divorce and move on.

I heard from a wife who said something like: “I will admit that many of my marital problems stem from my depression.  My husband has begged me for years to get treatment and I have resisted.  He says that my mood swings bring him down and affect our children.  As a result, he moved out about six weeks ago.  This has devastated me and of course, has only made my depression worse.  Since my husband isn’t seeing any improvement, he says that he wants a divorce.  I am devastated by this.  But at the same time, I’m not sure that I can ever be who he wants me to be.  And I don’t want to bring my kids down with my mood swings. Part of me says that my family is better off without me so I should just bow out.  But another part of me says that I am crazy not to fight for my marriage.  Should I just accept the divorce? What is the right thing to do?”

I am certainly not a mental health professional and I cannot make this type of judgment call for someone else.  But I do know some folks who have been through depression.  And many will tell you that getting the right therapeutic regimen can be life-changing.  So that would be where I would place my focus first.  Getting a handle on the depression would likely help the wife to make a sound decision with regards to her marriage.  I would not try to make any lasting decisions about the future of my marriage until I sought treatment and saw some improvement first.  Again, I’m not an expert.  But it just makes sense that you should be as mentally clear as you can possibly be before you attempt to make this sort of judgment which can have lifelong repercussions.

Getting Treatment Is The Best Call For Everyone Who You Love, Including Yourself:   This wife admitted that despite her husband pleading with her for years to get treatment, she had resisted this out of fear.  She was afraid and ashamed to admit that she had a problem.  Frankly, depression is an illness like diabetes, heart disease, or any other.  No one is ashamed to go and get treatment for cancer.  And you should not be ashamed to admit or treat depression either.  Like other diseases and medical issues, it is something that happens through no fault of your own.

Folks who are being successfully treated will often tell you that their life has completely changed for the better.  Please take that first step and go talk with your doctor or a counselor.  You would not resist treatment if you had some medical issue that was keeping you from living your best life.  This really should be no different.  You deserve your best self and so does your family.

Children Do Well With Two Parents That Positively Contribute To Their Lives:  It made me extremely sad that this woman felt that her family might be better off without her as a constant in their lives.  I doubted that this was the case.  But I also believe that if she received treatment, her being emotionally healthy and present in her children’s lives would be the best thing for them.  Children need both of their parents.  And no one who had another type of illness would stay away from their children because of that same illness.  But sadly, people with the illness of depression often think in these terms.  Admittedly, your children would probably benefit from your getting treatment, but they would not benefit from a life without their mother.

Make Yourself A Priority And Hope That Your Marriage Will Follow:  As I alluded to, I believe that it’s probably very hard to make sound life decisions when you are suffering from depression.  That’s why I believe that you should put your own healing and treatment first and before anything else.  Your marriage may sort itself out as a result.  In fact, I suspected that the husband would react very positively to the wife seeking treatment. But, even if he did not, the treatment was the course of action she needed to take for herself and for her own well being.  In order to love and do right by your family, you also need to love and do right by yourself.  You can’t care for others if you are not firing on all cylinders.  It is not selfish to think of your own needs right now.  Doing so is necessary for both you and your family.

So to answer the question posed, although I couldn’t decide for this wife whether or not to accept the divorce, I didn’t agree that her family would be better off without her, although I felt strongly that everyone would benefit from her seeking treatment.  I’m certainly no expert but I feel strongly that the world can be distorted when you are struggling with depression.  So removing that obstacle should be where you start before you start to tackle anything else regarding your marriage.

When my husband left me, I strongly believe that he had at least some minor form of depression.  He had a lot of stress coming at him from all angles and he wasn’t acting like himself.  We did seek outside help for our marriage and this, in turn, helped us as individuals and was one of the things that helped us save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read about the whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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