Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many people who reach out to me are trying to find a way to make their marriage work even during the most difficult of times.  It can be hard enough to save a struggling marriage when both people are motivated and you are still living together.  But it is even harder to save it after or when you’re living apart and are separated.  Because the separation can bring on a lot of hurt feelings and resentments that just add to the list of things that you have to overcome.

Someone might have this to say: “after months of being separated, my husband is finally willing to spend time with me and talk to me regularly.  I have been wanting this for months, but he was cold and distant.  I used to beg him to see me at least once a week and he would always have every excuse imaginable.  Now all of a sudden he wants to see me again and things are going OK.  In fact, last night he let it slip that eventually, he might be open to our marriage again.  I have mixed feelings.  This is what I have been wanting to hear for weeks, if not months.  And I should be overjoyed that he’s finally coming around.  But I am somewhat angry that it took him this long.  And I am resentful that he separated from me in the first place.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but there was no need to live apart.  I felt so rejected. And I felt like he did not think that I was good enough for him.  So all of this makes me doubt any reconciliation.  Why would he suddenly be open to me now when I was not good enough for all of this time?  Deep down, I know that I want to save my marriage.  But I am angry and hurt.  How do I get past this so that I can embrace what I have wanted for so long?”

What you are feeling is very common and very understandable.  When I was separated, some of my friends and family members became very angry at my husband because they thought that he was treating me pretty badly.  I thought this too, at least sometimes.  But if I am being honest with myself, I was pretty needy toward him and I think that he eventually became frustrated with this.  When he started to pull away, I responded by pushing even harder and so things deteriorated rapidly.

Eventually, things changed for me also.  My husband did almost an about face and although I was thrilled, I also had nagging doubts that truly put everything at risk.  There were times when I wondered how he could be as sweet as he was some of the time considering how he wanted nothing to do with me not so much earlier.

When I was being honest though, I had to admit that I had changed my strategy, which in turn changed his attitude toward me.  So that was some of the problem. But I still had some anger that he wanted to separate in the first place.

I can’t pinpoint an exact thought or time that allowed me to turn the corner.  I think that ultimately, I was so tired of dwelling on negative emotions.  I finally had a chance to focus on more positive things so I decided that I was not going to dwell on the negative when there was so much positive right in front of me.

Yes, there were times when I felt very rejected and when I felt that all of it was so unfair to me.  But if I carried that around with me, then all I was doing was prolonging the bad feelings and pretty much guaranteeing that they would continue.  But if I let the bad feelings go and looked forward, not only would I feel better, but I would increase the chance that I could leave the bad feelings behind for good.

I don’t mean to make it sound as simple as just making a decision to change your mindset.  It’s not as easy as that.  But if you change your mindset and then you open yourself up to new experiences with your spouse and things go well, then it becomes so much easier.  Why?  Because you are getting the pay off of reconnecting and having fun with your spouse.  Happy times and good feelings flood you and sort of force out the negativity, the resentments, and the doubts.

If you vow to be open and to quiet the negativity and resentments when you are together, then you give things a chance to work.  And when things start working and you are reconnecting, that feels good.  That feels like a relief.  And the bad feelings just naturally begin to quiet.

The first step is deciding that you are going to turn away from the negativity and turn toward a better future.  Then, you must commit to being open to new experiences and reconnecting while moving forward.  You may have some bumps along the way, but as things improve and get better, it’s natural to let go of the resentments because honestly, they do not serve you and they just keep you in the past.

I won’t pretend that I did not struggle with this.  But I intuitively knew that if I let my resentments take over, I was going to ruin my chance to reconcile with my husband.  And that is what I wanted more than anything. You can read the rest on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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