Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most people who initiate a separation with their spouse do this because they firmly believe that it is the right thing to do at the right time to do it. Many wish that they could take the time that they need without hurting any one. But unfortunately, this is rarely possible. In order to have the needed alone time for yourself, you’ll often need to put distance between you and your spouse. This is often perceived as the only way. So you reluctantly go through with it. Sometimes, this works out just fine. But, other times, things don’t go in the way that you planned and you can regret it.

This situation could be described like this: “I have been with my husband since I was only fourteen years old. We dated all through out high school and college and then married about two years after we were finished with our educations. That means that I have been with the same person for well over half of my life. I do love my husband. But for the past couple of years, I’ve felt that there was something missing from my life. So I asked him for a short separation so that I could see if not living together would make any difference. My husband was crushed and begged me not to do this, but I did it anyway. I just didn’t see another way. At first, my husband called every day and begged me to reconsider. I missed him but I felt it was best to allow things to run their course. Over time, he started to call me less and less. Now, people are telling me that they see him out with friends. This worries me, so I’ve started calling him. He doesn’t always take my calls and when he does, he sounds somewhat distracted. He doesn’t seem nearly as excited to hear from me as he used to be. I feel him slipping away now and I realize my mistake. My own husband is losing interest in me and it is all my fault for pushing the separation on him. I deeply regret what I have done. And I’m very afraid I am going to lose my husband because of this separation. What if he’s met someone else? What if he realized he’s happier without me?”

There were a lot of assumptions happening here. And there are many possible reasons why the husband appeared to be moving on. He could have been responding to well meaning family or friends who told him that he shouldn’t just wait around for you. He may have been showing you that he too, can take advantage of the time and space that you wanted so much. Or, he could have gotten tired of feeling lonely and isolated so he decided that it would be in his best interest to begin to go out. None of these things mean that he doesn’t want to be married anymore or that he wouldn’t be receptive to a reconciliation.

I understand that you may be feeling worried and rejected right now. But there are probably some things that you can try in order to attempt to get an idea of what he is feeling. You’ve already been calling but how about asking him to a casual meeting for coffee? That way, you’re not having to read too much into his tone of voice as you can actually see his body language and facial expressions. Depending on how this meeting goes, the idea is to follow it up with another and then another until you are meeting regularly.

I know that you feel regret because you also feel fear. But, there is no way to take back the separation. You can’t reverse the past. You can only attempt to move forward as best as you can. I always tell people that one sure way to negate feelings that the separation was a waste or a risk is to make sure that you learned something from it.

The lesson for you might be that you do in fact want to be married to this man and you won’t put your marriage at risk again. Assuming that a reconciliation takes place, this certainly is not a bad lesson to learn.

For his part, your husband may learn a little more independence and it may become apparent to him that he isn’t completely dependent on you for his happiness or for his identity. This isn’t a bad lesson to learn either.

When done correctly, a separation which includes lessons, changes, and compromise can actually improve your marriage once you come back together. But this isn’t likely to happen if you are already accepting defeat, are filled with regret, and are assuming that you’re going to lose your husband.

Nothing has happened yet. You are still married. The future is still open ended. So it is time to begin to try to reconnect in the hopes of a future reconciliation. I’d suggest moving slowly. The separation was a lot for your husband to take in and it seems that he is slowly adjusting. You don’t want to throw everything at him at once.

Instead, just slowly begin picking up your relationship so that it will be obvious when it is appropriate to start discussing a reconciliation. Don’t get ahead of yourself, but start moving in that direction.  I think it can be a mistake to assume you will lose your spouse.  I felt this way during my own separation.  Yet, I’m still married today.  My separation actually enhanced my marriage.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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