Leslie Cane Articles

I recently heard from a woman who had been divorced for about eight months.   She told me that lately, she had been overcome with regret for divorcing her husband.   She missed him horribly and she didn’t enjoy being single all that much.  She had hoped the feeling would pass, but so far, it hadn’t.  In fact, the more time that passed, the more regret for the divorce she felt.

She said in part:  “It’s very clear to me that divorcing my husband was mistake that I will probably regret for the rest of my life.  The sad things is, my husband didn’t want the divorce.  I was the one who was pushing for it and who wouldn’t accept anything less than splitting up.  He tried to tell me it was a mistake, but I wouldn’t listen.  And now here I am 8 months later realizing that he was absolutely right.  What do I do now?  Is it too late to get him back when we’re already divorced.  I know he’s been trying to get out and see other people, and I think he’s decided that he’s ready to move on, but I don’t think there’s anyone serious.  What do I do now?”

My Advice When You Regret The Divorce:  I actually hear about this situation a lot of my “saving my marriage” blog, which is interesting because it was set up for people who had not yet divorced.  Even still, I find that there are a lot of folks trying to get the marriage back after the divorce is already final.

It’s not at all uncommon (at least from I see and hear) to have some regret.  The question really becomes what do you want to do about it.  I think it’s important to really try and step back to see why you feel this way and whether you think you might change your mind later. (Many people tell me that they don’t change their mind, that the feeling of regret only intensifies over time.)

The thing is, you don’t want to do anything or take any dramatic action that’s going to damage the relationship even more.  My suggestion would be to move slowly so that you can feel your way and see what is happening (and how you are feeling) as you continue to progress.

Did I think this wife should flat out tell her husband that she regretted the divorce and ask how he felt about this?  No, not yet.  She wasn’t sure how he was going to react, and I honestly believe there’s a way to start inching toward that without revealing all of your cards and leaving yourself vulnerable.

For example, she might suggest getting together with her husband just to catch up.  She might tell him that although they are no longer married, their friendship and their relationship are still important to her because she still cares about and respects him – and these feelings don’t just go away because they are divorced.

That way, as they see one another in a non romantic way, this gives the wife a chance to gauge how the husband might feel (and this may or may not validate her regretting the divorce.)

You want for the process to feel very natural rather than forced.  Having coffee might lead to movie a week or so later.  This might lead to dinner, which might lead to a regular time to get together and catch up.

Eventually, the romantic feelings and relationship might return – at which time the couple could decide if they both thought the divorce was a mistake that they both regretted.

What If He’s Not Receptive To My Regretting The Divorce? What If He Truly Has Moved On?:  The wife agreed that my suggestions made sense.  But she was worried that her husband was not going to be all that receptive to her because he had told her that the divorce was a mistake all along and she hadn’t listened.  So now, she was afraid that he would reject her the same way that she rejected him.

This could be a possibility, which is why it was so important that she try to keep things very light and casual.  If he wasn’t receptive at first, she could back off for just a little while and try again.  She shouldn’t appear desperate or clingy – just very non threatening and positive.

You don’t want to portray this like this is a serious or immediate situation.  You’re just asking him to get together for coffee and hoping that this evolves into another meeting – and then another – and then more regular get togethers which lead to something else.

In my opinion, you never want to tell him your agenda in the beginning. This is too heavy and you run a higher risk of being rejected.  You just want to stress that you’re trying to maintain some relationship (as light as it might be) because he’s too important to you just to let your contact with him end because of the divorce.

Now, once you’re back in a romantic relationship where your ex husband is as fully invested as you are, then you may want to tell him that you regretted the divorce from the beginning – but don’t jump the gun until you’ve already laid a very firm ground work.

My divorce never became final – but it almost did.  And I was able to save my marriage, even though my husband had seemingly moved on.  I did a lot of the things I just told you not to do, but I eventually figured out what worked and what didn’t and I was able to not only restore his love but save our marriage.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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