Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I find that, as we age, the things that initially attracted us to other people can sometimes change. For example, when I was younger, I valued money and material possessions in my friends and the people who I wanted to date. If a guy had a nice car, that scored a few more points with me. I didn’t consider that the guy’s father might have bought him that car and that he did nothing to earn it.  I never considered what this might have said about someone’s character. Today, I don’t care what type of car someone drives. I’m more concerned about their financial responsibility and their character.

The same can be true about bad boys. Many young women like and chase them. I think that the reason for this is partially that young women are exposed to this as being “cool” with movie stars and rock stars. As a result, they will sometimes turn a blind eye toward that geeky but so sweet guy in their art class for the guy with the leather jacket who never even shows up to class. And it’s one thing to do this in high school but then to grow out of it. But what happens if you marry a bad boy and he never grows up? Well, it sometimes requires honesty and adjustment.

A wife might tell a story like this one. “When I met my husband, his hair was down his back and he drove a motorcycle. He was older than me, so he never went to my high school. We met when he came into the restaurant where I worked. My parents didn’t like him from the get go. They felt that he was very irresponsible, would never grow up, and would never amount to anything. In some ways, their concerns were justified. We ended up getting married because I became pregnant. Looking back now, I realize that I was kind of happy about the pregnancy because I knew that this was probably the only way to ever get him to marry me. He was not the kind of man to be tied down. Today, his hair is shorter, but he still favors leather jackets and he would still be what you’d consider a bad boy. He still smokes and occasionally drinks. He doesn’t take anything from anyone and he will rarely compromise. He works when he wants because he owns his own business but he’s content to just get by. He’s not a great communicator. I would say that he’s a better father than anyone gives him credit for, but he’s not always the best husband. He isn’t overly sweet except when he surprises me on rare occasions. He still has dangerous hobbies like racing his motorcycle. He never wants to talk about finances, the future, or other things that would show responsibility. Some of my coworkers have their homes paid off and are looking at second homes as an investment to grow wealth. My husband would never do this. It took me years to talk him into buying instead of renting. He is very much a fly by the seat of your pants type of person, while I see that as acting like a child. Sometimes when I look at him and I base him solely on his looks and our chemistry, my heart beats a little faster. And other times, when we argue about everyday tasks that adults have to think about, I feel nothing but frustration toward him. I am starting to think that marrying a bad boy was a huge mistake. I am starting to think that bad boys won’t ever make good husbands.”

I understand where you are coming from. When I was in high school and college, I loved the bad boys too. I think that is just common among some teenage girls. However, I would not classify my husband as one today. Or, maybe I would classify him as a reformed one. And I can tell you that no marriage, and no match, is perfect – no matter what type of personalities you were dealing with in high school. Even that geeky guy in art class I was talking about above probably had his flaws.  I can also tell you that the bad boy who used to drive me crazy in his muscle car now drives a mini van and is crazy about his children and wife (a woman I went to school with also.) He still has an unconventional way of thinking sometimes, but he adores his family and he would do anything for them. The point that I’m trying to make is that I think all people are capable of change when he are faced with adult responsibilities. I was much more shallow and uncaring as a young person. Today, I cringe at some of the things I said and did. Some of my past behavior makes me ashamed today.  But I can’t change that. I can only try to be better today.

Along the same lines, I’d suspect that your husband has grown as a person in some areas. And I’d also suspect that, with a little work, he can change in other needed areas if doing so would benefit his family. The first step is to make him aware of the need to do so.

But before you do this, you have to prioritize what you want to change. If you just spring all of your complaints on him, it sounds as if you’re just criticizing. Perhaps his smoking could be the first course of business because it jeopardizes your future. If he gets sick from smoking, he may not be able to be as present for his kids. Approach him about the most important things first – one at a time – and tell him how much you love him and want him to be present with you as long as is possible. Tell him that you are having the courage to say this because you want for him to be around for a long time.

Be careful that you don’t attempt a complete overhaul of him. You don’t want to erase the edge that made you crazy in love with him in the first place. You don’t want to change the core of who he is. You just want him to make some of the compromises that adults and family men have to make.

However, to address one of the initial questions, it’s my opinion that former bad boys can make good husbands – particularly those who are willing to adjust their habits for the benefit of their families. I’m not proud of all aspects of my former self, but most of my selfish behavior disappeared when I had other people who I had to think about it. I find that this is true in many cases – you may just have to gently bring his attention to this.

I think all people resort back to old styles of behavior sometimes.  It’s our comfort zones and it’s where we go in times of stress.  But people can change.  I have.  My own husband has.  But it’s better when you can encourage your spouse to want to change instead of making them feel criticized.  In some ways, I learned this the hard way and it almost cost me my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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