I Overreacted And Kicked My Husband Out. Now I Regret It.
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who worry that they have overreacted prematurely when they kicked their spouse out of the house. Many greatly regret this and want to know the best way to apologize or to try to diffuse the anger so that their spouse will want to come back home.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been fighting for months about him flirting with other women online. He says it is harmless fun and that he never crosses the line with anyone. He claims that has never had any physical interaction with anyone. Regardless of what he says, I see this as a huge betrayal. I also feel that it’s incredibly disrespectful. Last weekend, I walked through my husband’s office and once again, I saw him logged onto to his computer flirting. I got so mad that I overreacted and I told him to get out immediately. He tried to reason with me, but I shut him down. He’s been trying to call me but I ignore him. My friends have been telling me that I totally overreacted because it’s not like he was cheating on me and this issue is too small to ruin a marriage over. Lately, I’ve been thinking that they might be right. I probably did overreact. But now, he’s not taking my calls. I suppose he’s angry that I acted the way that I did. What now?”
Many marriages make it through this situation so the first thing to remember is not to panic. Of course, you want to rectify this situation and, because of your regret, you want for your husband to come back. But at the same time, you have to respect that the flirting issue still had not been resolved. There was a risk of just vowing to forget about it, until the next time it happens.
So, it’s important that while you work with him toward a reconciliation, it’s equally important that you don’t gloss over what is potentially a very damaging issue. I will discuss this more below.
Don’t Panic. Communication Will Likely Resume When The Emotions Calm Down: I know that right now it may feel as if you have made a grave mistake that might cost you your marriage. It can feel as if you might never hear from your husband again. But, the reality is that this probably isn’t very likely. There will likely be a time that the two of you are going to need to communicate.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t continue to call if you want to, but don’t call so much that you seem desperate or until you are willing to make concessions that aren’t in your best interest. Have patience and don’t always assume the worst case scenario. Your husband will likely calm down and begin to hear the sincerity in your voice.
When You Discuss This, Be Honest About Your Overreacting, But Make It Clear That The Flirting Is Still A Problem That Must Be Worked Through: I suspect that eventually, there will come a point where you and your husband discuss your living arrangements. When that happens, a suggested script might be something like: “I now realize that I overreacted when I kicked you out and I’m very sorry about that. I regret it deeply and I’d like for you to come back home so that we can work things out. I’m still struggling with your flirting. But I feel that if we work together, we can come up with some compromise that doesn’t mean that we have to jeopardize our marriage over this. And it’s going to be difficult for us to work on the issue when we aren’t living under the same roof. Do you agree? How do you feel about this?”
As raw as the emotions were, the husband did try to call the wife and plead his case after she kicked him out. So it was likely that underneath his hurt and frustration, he probably did want to come home and wouldn’t need much persuasion in order to do so.
Work Very Hard On Compromise And Communication. Set It Up So That This Problem Is Truly Resolved For Good: Once the husband comes home, there really should be two immediate goals. The first would be to find a compromise with the flirting. I have to admit that I firmly agreed with the wife. A married man flirting online with other women IS disrespectful and unhealthy to your marriage. And I would hope that the husband would realize this now that it was clear that his wife was very serious about this issue.
With that said, the wife should commit to not overreacting and kicking him out of the house every time they disagreed or argued. So the immediate objectives should have been to come to an agreement about appropriate behavior and then for both of them to commit to improving their communication so that rather than fighting so badly that one of them leaves, they could discuss the issue without it becoming so volatile.
My husband and I had a lot of hot-button issues like this that came up over and over again until they eventually almost tore us apart. We tended to ignore them and just hope that things would get better. They didn’t. We almost divorced until I got serious about lasting and meaningful change. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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