Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane:  I’ll admit that most of the correspondence that I receive comes from people who are very clear on the fact that they want to save their marriage but they aren’t sure how to do it when their spouse is resistant or has already moved out or filed for divorce.  The vast majority of these folks have no doubt in their minds that they still love their spouse.

But I also hear from folks on the opposite end of the spectrum.   Judging from the people who reach out to me, there are a large amount of people who are biding their time in their marriages for the sake of their children.   It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who insist that they no longer love their spouse and are only in the marriage because of the kids.  I find that people assume that it’s mostly women or mothers who would be willing to make such a sacrifice, but that’s just not the case.  I hear from a good deal of fathers as well.

People also assume that those who stay for the sake of their children come from broken homes themselves.  Although many from divorced homes are ultra sensitive to this situation (because they remember the pain that they went through when their own parents divorced,) I hear also hear from people who grew up in happy homes and who have parents who are still married.

Anyone can have marital problems regardless of their family background, but most people realize that a divorce can have a huge impact on their children, both in the short and long term.  I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I haven’t been in love with my husband for years.  I feel some affection for him because he’s the father of my children, a good person, and part of my family.  I’ve known him since I was a child so there’s that feeling of familiarity.  But what I feel is not love.  It’s not like I’m miserable with him 24 hours a day.  But I’m also not blissfully happy in his presence the way that I was in the beginning.  I find myself being attracted to other people and thinking about a future without him one day. But I’m scared leaving him would be very selfish and would harm my kids.  How bad is the impact of a divorce on kids?  And, if I decide to wait to leave him for their sake, at what age would it be safe or acceptable to leave him?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Statistics About Children And Divorce: Most of the people who contact me with this concern are well aware that divorce negatively affects children.  That’s why they have all of those doubts that are keeping them from moving forward.  But, often the statistics are more extensive than even the most educated parents realize.  From social to health to emotional issues, you can generally find alarming statistics on many far reaching aspects of the child’s life.

For example, children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have issues with their peers than children from intact homes and are twice as likely to drop out of school or have lower grades.  Children from divorced parents have more psychological issues than children who have had a parent who has passed away. There are also statistics which indicate that children with single parent homes are more likely (50 percent more) to have health issues, have substance abuse issues, or to attempt suicide (50 percent more once again.)

Now to be fair, I’m sure you could find more contributing factors within any one of the above mentioned statistics.  Numbers don’t always tell the whole story and there could always be additional risk factors.  One could argue that any number of factors could go into a child’s grades or psychological  issues.  But, the statistics that I found particularly alarming were these two. A study of children from divorced parents took a look at the children’s behavior six years after the divorce and found that even this many years after the break up, many of the children were still described as lonely, anxious or depressed.  And, one out of 10 children with divorced parents go on to see their parents go through at least three or more marital break ups.  This means that some of those kids will go on to see one of both of their parents divorce their subsequent new spouses.  People often think that the divorce will solve their unhappiness or the issues that they have in relationships, but this isn’t always the case.

Also, many people assume that if they stay while the children are kids and then divorce when they are adults, the children will not be affected by the divorce.  There is research which indicates that this assumption may not be true. Studies show that men and women who were in their 20s when their parents divorced are more likely to have their own serious relationship or marriage break up before the age of 33.  These adult children often report struggling and questioning their childhood memories.

Studies About Children With Happy Parents: I wanted to balance out the alarming statistics above with additional information.  Because many people considering a divorce make the very compelling argument that they suspect that their kids would be better off with happy divorced parents than miserable married parents.  I did find some literature from Carolyn Pape Cowan and Philip Cowan, husband-and-wife psychologists at the University of California.  They have conducted studies that included both children from divorced and intact families and have concluded that happy, well adjusted parents are more likely to raise happy, well adjusted children.  They stress the importance of the parents taking care of both themselves and the relationships that they model for their kids.  And, they caution parents against making their kids the focus of their entire lives at the expense of their marriage or other relationships.   Their literature indicates it’s not healthy for parents to put themselves last. They caution parents to not place so much focus on their children that they lose their connection as a couple, saying that doing so can create a household full of tension.

Putting It All Together: Of course, I can’t decide for you if you should divorce your spouse or stay for the kids.  That’s a decision that only you can make.  And many people that I dialog with fully realize this.  Many also are fully aware of all the statistics which seem to indicate that staying together is preferable, at least as far as the children are concerned. Most experts will tell you that, if you must divorce, getting counseling so that you can ensure your children grow up in a happy household and can adjust despite the divorce would be a good idea.

It’s probably not a stretch to say that the ideal for the wife in the above example would be to remain married while figuring out a way to improve her marriage so that both she and her husband could be truly happy in it.  This would arguably be a better scenario for her kids than her only staying out of obligation but remaining unhappy.  People often tell me that they just don’t believe that they can ever be happy with their spouse again, but I firmly believe that it’s absolutely possible.   There’s a very convincing study that tracked unhappy couples over the course of five years.  Those who divorced were no happier than those who remained married.   And, a whopping 2/3 of the unhappy couples reported being happily married five years later. This seems to indicate that if you can stick it out or get some help, it’s possible that you can again be happy in the future. And my own experience backs this up.

Of course, as I’ve said, statistics don’t tell the whole story.  Many families beat the odds and raise healthy, well-adjusted children, regardless of their circumstances.  But I think most would agree that growing up in an intact and happy family truly is the ideal. My husband and I didn’t have kids when he wanted a divorce, but coming from a broken home myself, I was determined not to give up or give in. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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