Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from wives who worry that their husbands are no longer are “in love” with them. These same wives are usually no longer receiving the affection or the affirmations that make someone in a marriage feel loved. These women will often tell me things like “it’s almost as if I don’t exist. Yes, we live in the same house and raise the same children, but I just don’t feel like he really loves me anymore. He sometimes tolerates me, but most of the time, I feel as though he could care less.”

I sympathize with these wives. I had these same feelings in my own marriage and unfortunately, I did not take them seriously enough to take the action that might have helped before things deteriorated. The truth is, feeling unloved can be the result of many things. But almost all of them could benefit from swift and appropriate action. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved as much as anyone else. And marriage is a place where most people expect to receive this. So if you aren’t, you’re right to be concerned and to want to fix this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons Why A Husband May Not Be Showing Enough Affection And Expressing Enough Love: When a shift in the marriage begins, many women automatically assume that the husband is no longer in love with them or is not experiencing any loving feelings. This isn’t always the case, although many people’s intuition does have some factual basis and merit. However, sometimes, the husband is juggling other things in his life that makes him distant, distracted, and non-communicative. Sometimes, he will project these things onto other areas of this life, including his marriage.

Other times, the marriage has become somewhat stale as both parties have become overly comfortable in the marriage and so the loving gestures and the affections cool. Sometimes, this does not mean that the love is gone, and sometimes it can have those connotations. But, it can really be important not to assume the worst and to know that the way that you address these fears is going to be the same whether the love is 100% gone or not. No matter what the reality really is, isn’t it worth it to try to change things?

Almost any marriage can be vastly improved by taking appropriate action and providing it with more attention and effort. So, instead of worrying or assuming that he doesn’t love you anymore or is no longer interested in showing you the affection that you need, you will sometimes get a better result if you worry about what you are going do about this instead of trying placing most or all of your focus on defining it.

Ways To Begin To Feel Loved Again By Your Husband: Many times, your first reaction might be to try to nag, guilt, or somehow to get your husband to just do better. The problem with most of these attempts is that they rely on negative emotions and reactions to get you what you want. Although you might be successful in getting a reaction, it might not be the one that you want. You will often get the preferable and lasting reaction when you can instead bring about positive emotions and perceptions from him.

To that end, a good place to start is often to demonstrate how you are hoping that he treats you. If you need more affectionate gestures and reassurances, it will often help to demonstrate what your wishes look like. What I mean by that is if you want a hug, give one. If you wish he would hold you, hold him. Yes, he might be a little taken aback and shocked, but few men will argue with or reject a wife who is offering them a supportive back rub or hug. And sure, you might feel resentful that you’re having to be the one who takes the initiative. But this sort of keeping score will usually keep you from getting what you really want.

Often, when you take a series of little steps and begin to show your husband the type of behavior you want, you’ll often begin to see small changes. And, it’s very important to show your husband that the changes that you want are not going to require a lot of work or discomfort from him. You’re the one taking the initiative at first. There’s no reason for him to resist this. Usually, once he realizes this, he will begin to reciprocate, and when he does, praise him and tell him how much you love his new behaviors.

The Efforts Will Sometimes Reflect The Feelings: Occasionally when I suggest the “give what you want” strategy to wives, they will respond with something like “I don’t think that’s going to be enough. I’m sure that he just doesn’t love me anymore and there’s really not much I can do. I am just trying to learn to live with it.”

My heart breaks for these wives, but honestly, you do not have to accept anything until you first give fixing it a try. And usually, if you can look objectively if your situation, you’ll see that the feelings within your marriage are directly related to the time and efforts allocated to it. When people first fall in love, they are on their absolute best behaviors and they put tons of high-quality time and effort into the relationship. Of course, the feelings are the highest quality also. But when we begin to let things slide, even for very legitimate reasons, the feelings change as well.

This isn’t fair, but it’s how it often is. The good news is that if you change the quality of what you are putting into it, you’ll often change the quality of the feelings, and the demonstrations of the feelings, as the result.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I felt unloved by my husband. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/