Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  There is no question that sexual attraction and physical intimacy are important components to a marriage.  When we are dating and experiencing these feelings, they give us a sense of euphoria and confirm that we are most definitely with the right person.  If and when they start to wane in any way, we notice and we mourn their loss.

Some people will even take this a little further and will worry that this change means that they will experience the potential downfall of their marriage.  For example, someone might say: “this is going to sound awful and I hate even having to make this admission, but I worry that this occurrence is going to have some very real implications.  This morning, when I saw my husband crossing the street to come into our front door, I realized that I was not excited by the sight of him in the way that I used to be.  And honestly, I can’t remember the last time that I was excited at his presence.  And it’s not that he’s completely lost his looks – although he has lost some of them.  It’s just that I don’t feel as lustful toward him.  And I worry about what that means.  Don’t get me wrong.  I honestly think that we have had a good marriage.  We’ve had great times together and we don’t have a lot of conflict.  My husband is considerate, a good listener, and an even better companion.  But he just doesn’t excite me in the way that he used to.  And I feel as if all marriages need this type of excitement, don’t they?  When the excitement is over, isn’t the marriage over too?”

I definitely do not believe that this has to be the case.  Perhaps if the excitement is gone AND your husband and marriage are both less than optimal, then you might be understandably alarmed.  If you were living with a man who hurt you or who wasn’t pleasant to live with, then opinions may differ.  But a kind man who you’ve described as a good partner and as still decent looking?  I would definitely fight for that.  There are too few good men.  And you already have one with whom you have demonstrated companionship and, once upon a time, contentment.

Admittedly, you don’t have excitement.  But I can not tell you how common this is.  And I can also tell you that it is possible to get the excitement back.  Several years ago, months before my separation, I was talking with my grandmother.  And we were talking about marriage in general and I confessed that I wasn’t always thrilled with my husband in the way that I used to be.  My grandmother sarcastically chortled back: “well, I’m no longer thrilled with the sight of my towncar, either.  But let’s be honest. I don’t wash it like I used to.  I throw trash in it.  And it’s no longer shiny and new.  But guess what?  It still gets me where I want to go.”

At the time, I wasn’t really listening because my grandmother makes a habit out of these one-liners that are just meant to be funny.  But after my own separation and reconciliation, I fully understand what she meant and I realized that she was absolutely right.   She was saying that we often no longer have our heart stopped when something is no longer shiny and new because that sense of wonder that we had initially has worn down.  She insinuated that this is partially our fault because of our own neglect.  We no longer take care of our prize in the way that we once did, and so we are no longer as invested, or as thrilled.

Although I didn’t put two and two together at the time, my grandmother’s advice allowed me to eventually save my marriage – once I began to give it my attention and effort.  I wasn’t always able to give the attention and effort DURING the separation, because my husband was not always receptive.  But once he was, these efforts did result in a return of the excitement.  And I learned a very important lesson.  When you are not feeling excitement, you have to ask yourself what YOU are doing to bring about the excitement.  Because after the newness has worn off, it’s not just generated on its own. Real life and every day problems can get in the way.  You have to work tirelessly not to allow these things to eat away at your excitement and intimacy.  You have to actively do things to protect it and, like my grandmother’s car, you have to take care of it, baby it, and give gratitude for the fact that, although it may change over time, it is, in fact yours.  It is loyal and comforting, and it gets you where you want to go, but if you only give it the chance.

There is a time in some marriages where things gets a little stale due to neglect.  But myself and countless others are proof that you can get it back.  I am so glad that I got it back with my own husband rather than just trying again with some random stranger.  Getting back into the dating scene never excited me.  I strongly believe that it’s better to fix a relationship that has shown true love initially than to start all over with the unknown.

I’m not sure that you can expect butterflies in your stomach every day of your married life.  But I believe that, with effort, you should expect a sense of pleasure and intimacy when you are with your spouse.  This doesn’t happen automatically.  You have to work at it.  You have to work hard sometimes.  But my experience is that what you get back makes this effort more than worth it.  And it means that I am still married today.  There’s more about our journey from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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