Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives were hoping that their trial separation was going to go a whole lot more smoothly than it has.   Often, the husband assures the wife that they will communicate regularly and even “date” one another while they are apart.  But unfortunately, sometimes, this is the promise instead of the reality.  Needless to say, some wives worry about this situation and directly ask for some reassurance.  And some do not get the type of reassurance that they had hoped for.

A wife in this situation might explain: “I need to make it clear that I never wanted the separation.  My husband wouldn’t take no for an answer though.  He kept repeating the same old refrain that he needed time to sort himself out.  It became pretty clear that I really didn’t have much of a choice but to give him his time.  But I made it very clear that this was all against my judgment. He reassured me that it would only be temporary and that we would probably see one another regularly.  He said that he would not be surprised if we didn’t miss one another and actually connect during the separation.  This is what I was hoping for.  But it is not the reality of the situation.  Any time I talk to my separated husband, I have to be the one to call him.  Any time we see one another, I have initiated it and he acts put out by the whole entire time.  He’s not acting loving or romantic with me.  He isn’t even patient with me.  The other night, I told him that this whole situation was scaring me.  He replied that we were separated and he wasn’t sure what I was expecting.  I told him that I was hoping that the situation would be better.  I told him that I basically needed some reassurance from him that things were going to be OK between us and that we would end up together.  Basically, his response was to tell me that neither of us can see into the future and that we should just continue to do what we are already doing and hope for the best.  I am so disappointed that this is all he can offer me.  Because I feel as if it’s only a matter of time before my marriage is over.  If he can’t even reassure me, how will he ever recommit to me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Sometimes A Separated Husband Hesitates To Give You Reassurance Because He Worries That This Will Limit His Choices Or Free Will:  Many men push for a separation because they want to feel as if they have some control over their own future decisions.  So, they think that if they live under the same roof as you, this is going to limit their ability to decide what happens.  So when the separation finally comes and you in turn ask for reassurance, this can make him feel as if offering that same reassurance is going to limit his ability to make his own choices. I’m not saying that this thought process is accurate.  I am saying that it is common.  Many men don’t want to tell you that it’s all going to be OK because if they do, they worry that they are allowing you to set their path rather than respecting their own ability to do it.

This doesn’t mean that he won’t ultimately come back to you.  But it can mean that he wants to set his own pace or that he sees your need for reassurance as just trying to continue to manipulate him, which leads me to my next point.

How To Handle It When Your Separated Husband Doesn’t Want To Offer Any Reassurance:  As hard as this may be to hear, most of the time, the more you pressure him to reassure you that everything is going to be just fine, the more he is going to resist doing so.  Or, alternatively, he may give you empty promises which you both know is just him telling you what you want to hear. So as tempting as it is to continue to demand or ask for that reassurance, it often is just going to make things worse.

Instead, try to be as pleasant and as easy going as you can.  Try to make sure that each encounter you have ends positively and then just watch what happens.  When you focus on the positive, you can often just observe the reassuring signals and results that you get.  And that way, you won’t need to ask him for the reassurance that is going to frustrate both of you.

Much of the time, you can observe what is going on or happening when you meet or talk and have a pretty good idea of where things stand.  You can observe if he is being open to or receptive to you.  You can ask yourself if there are any places that could still use improvement and act accordingly.  And when you see that some behavior or action of yours brings about a positive reaction from him, then you can do more of it.

Some wives tell me that they believe this process is playing games.  Perhaps they are right.  But I try to share what works.  And pushing for reassurance when he’s clearly reluctant to be lead that way is not usually going to work.  Instead, you might have to get what you need by backing off a little bit in order to gain some ground in another way. I don’t think this is game playing so much as feeling your way and responding to his cues.  Pushing when there is resistance will often do more harm than good.  But backing up until the resistance is removed is a much more sound strategy.

I had to use this strategy when my own husband and I were separated.  And unfortunately, I learned much of this the hard way.  I wanted more reassurance than my husband was willing to offer.  And when he balked, I panicked.  When I pushed, he only pulled away more and more until there was almost nothing left.  And this almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I appeared to back off that he actually began to pursue me.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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