Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are dealing with a husband who is insisting that he needs “space” within the marriage.  Understandably, these wives get tired of always wondering when he is going to actually take action and leave. Often, he’s very vague about all of the specifics. As a result, many wives would like to claim at least some control over the situation. Since they don’t want to live in limbo, they decide to be more proactive, and so they make the decision to move out, at least temporarily. But often, they second guess this decision and they wonder if they made a mistake.

One of them might say, “I’m scared that I’ve made a mistake that might cause a divorce. For the past three months, my husband has been telling me that he wants to separate because he needs some space. At first, I hoped that the whole thing would blow over, but he’s been repeating the same complaints and it’s become obvious that he is not going to give up. He’s been apartment hunting for the past couple of weeks. And these places are so expensive. I firmly believe that he would have eventually moved out no matter what. So I took matters into my own hands and I packed a bag and am staying at my sister’s. This is a very open-ended situation. My sister doesn’t care if I come and go as I please. So theoretically, I could return home at any time. But I am trying to respect his need for space.  However, now that I’ve spent several nights alone and have had time to think about this, I worry that I’ve made a mistake. I feel like now I’m out of his sight so I will be out of his mind. We do talk every couple of days, but he doesn’t seem very excited to hear from me. My sister said that it’s possible that he’s thrilled I left because it only gave him his freedom sooner. Is she right? Did I make a mistake? Should I just go back?”

The Catch 22 An Unhappy Husband Can Put You In: This is a tricky situation, at least initially. If you hang on too tightly and you cling, he can pull away very forcefully and avoid you. This is what happened to me. But if you had just waited, he may have signed a long-term lease. At least with the casual agreement with your sister, you can come back at a moment’s notice if things improve.

Some Suggestions From Someone Else’s Perspective: My husband and I lived apart during our separation and we did eventually reconcile, but I always felt that the reconciliation might have been a little bit easier if we weren’t living apart. However, my fear and loneliness at the time clouded my judgment. I would assume the worst because I couldn’t possibly know what my husband was doing. As a result, I became clingy and this made a bad situation worse, but you can avoid this.  What eventually turned the corner for us was when I FINALLY did give him his space. It was difficult for me to accept, but eventually, I had no choice. If I had to do it again, (and if I was in the same situation as this wife,) I would do a couple of things: I would try to stay in lighthearted, casual, and frequent communication with my spouse. This allows him his space, but it means that you are allowed to keep in touch because he doesn’t need to distance himself from you. Try very hard to keep the communication positive. I know how hard this is, but it’s so important. It will allow you continued access and it will encourage the improvements that might allow you to save your marriage.

If things are going really well, you could regularly come over to the house. This was how our reconciliation started. My husband started eating dinner with me and it became clear that things were steadily improving. Eventually, he stayed on weekends. Although I really wanted him to move back in immediately, I also didn’t want to jinx it, since the separation itself was so painful for me. However, I think that this is a situation where you just have to feel it out. If your husband wants you to come back and you feel that you’ve mostly worked through your issues, then you might feel comfortable going back. But if he’s still demanding his space, then you’d have to perhaps move into another part of the house or just stay at your sister’s, but remain in very close and positive contact until things improved so you could later reconcile.

Mistakes That You Can Avoid No Matter Where You Live: It’s impossible to say if you made a mistake, since no one can see into the future or know what improvements you might be able to make.  Speaking of improvements: this was one that I failed to make and I’d like for you to avoid: Initially, I didn’t let my husband see improvements so he never felt confident about moving closer to me and a reconciliation. My fear controlled me initially so all my husband saw was a woman who was, quite frankly, a clingy mess. The most common mistakes that I see are: pushing too hard; not giving a husband who has asked for space the time that he wants; not maintaining positive communication; and not gradually making improvements so that you move closer together. Believe me, I know that the above mistakes are hard to avoid, but they tend to snowball if you let them.

Strategies That Can Work No Matter Where You Live: Conversely, here are the things that work well and that you can try regardless of your location: positive communication so that things improve between you; very slowly and gradually (as your relationship allows) working on what caused the separation; establishing a playful and flirtatious rapport so that the distance actually makes your husband want you more instead of less; and reestablishing that deep, meaningful connection that makes your spouse feel deeply understood and valued so that he feels safe reconciling. I know that these things are all challenging tasks. You don’t have to do them all at once and they are often so gradual that they may even occur as you are in the process of reconciling. But they work. And you can do them from wherever you are residing. You may just have to get creative.  You’re welcome to read more about how I gradually accomplished these things during my own separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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