Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Family can be a huge contributing factor in whether you attempt to save your marriage or not. Many people confess to me that were it not for their children, the decision of whether or not to end their marriage would probably be a lot easier. Children can even factor into the equation once the couple has already separated. Sometimes, people see how much this shift upsets or confuses their children so they are motivated to consider trying once more.

I heard from a wife who said, in part: “I left my husband last month. We’d been fighting a lot and I suppose I was trying to get his attention because I wanted for him to take me seriously. He’s been acting better and my kids really miss their dad. The other night, we all went out to eat and when he dropped us off and left, I found myself wondering what it would be like to just go back home. But I have my doubts because we haven’t gotten any counseling or changed anything. Still, I want so much to keep my family together. After I’ve gotten this little taste of being on my own I find that it’s not as great as I had hoped. So I’m wondering if I should go back to my husband in an attempt to save my family.”

This certainly wasn’t a decision that I could make for this wife. It was clear that she was confused and having conflicting feelings. The fact that she missed her husband and saw staying together as a possibility was a positive sign, but the fact that nothing had changed was certainly a concern. In the following article, I’ll offer some things that you may want to think about if you’re considering going back to your husband to save your family.

Don’t Rush It. You Can Address Your Marital Issues While You’re Separated. It Will Be Devastating To Your Family If You Have To Leave Twice: I understand how it feels to be away from your spouse when you are separated because I have been there myself. Everything feels so immediate. And you worry that if you don’t go back now, you might never find your way back.

But I know from experience and by watching this scenario in many other couples that you are better off waiting until you can address at least some of your issues or know that you can reconnect and communicate again before you rush into something that might actually harm your marriage rather than save it.

It would probably actually be more confusing and hurtful to your kids if you went back home only to fight again, or worse, only to pack your bags, uproot the kids, and leave once more. It’s wonderful and admirable to want to save your family. But make sure that you have the tools and the time to do it right so that your kids end up with a healthy and happy family rather than one that was slapped back together in a rush but which will fall apart as a result sometime in the future.

Ask Yourself What Would Need To Change To Make Your Marriage Work: The biggest problem that I see in this situation is that people go into it without a clear plan for change. Wanting to save your family is a very admirable goal, but that goal isn’t going to do much to change your marriage and keep it from failing once again. To reach that goal and ensure that your family stays together for the long term, you’ll often need to make some changes within your marriage so that not only do you stay together, but you are happy doing so.

If you are just going through the motions for the benefit of your children, but are not happy, then your children are going to know the difference and might not get the full benefit of your getting back together. So while it’s wonderful to vow to save your family, don’t stop there.

Ask yourself what it would take to make your marriage a happy one and vow to do everything you can to make those changes happen. Good intentions and hoping for the best are often not enough. You may love your husband desperately and be willing to do anything for your children. But if you don’t put some changes or improvements in place, what is going to keep you from ending up right back here in the future?

At the same time, you don’t want to dwell on your problems so much that you can’t be spontaneous and just feel some joy to be back with your husband and family. It is a delicate dance. You want to combine a new, light-hearted attitude with really and truly getting down to work to make some lasting and important changes in your marriage. Because you want to be able to keep your family together forever in a marriage that is a happy one which sets a good example.

Think about it this way. The driving factor for you right now is your family and that is truly wonderful. But it doesn’t make sense to bring your family back into a marriage that is only barely dragging itself along. You want your children to grow up with parents who have a happy and stable marriage because this is the example that you set for your children’s marriage. Therefore, you want to give them something worthwhile to model so that they will have their own happy marriage. This is a wonderful gift to give them and probably your true intention. So while I applaud and encourage your attempt to save your family, make sure that improving and fixing your marriage is equally as important.

I know how you feel because there was a time when I wanted to save my marriage at all costs, but I wasn’t thinking about how to fix it in the process. So our marriage suffered (and deteriorated) more and more as the result. It wasn’t until I decided that I would accept nothing less than the best marriage I could rebuild that things began to change. Not only did I save my marriage, but I created a marriage that was worth saving. If it helps, you’re welcome to read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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