Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, I hear from wives who are trying to save their marriages because their husband wants a divorce, separation, or break. But occasionally, I hear from wives who were the ones who initiated the separation and they now very much regret that decision. Often, they’re very worried that this realization has come too late.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “I am the one who initiated the separation, but my husband doesn’t know the true reasons why. I told my husband that I needed time on my own to think about what I wanted, but this wasn’t completely true. I had been falling for an old flame I reconnected with on Facebook and I wanted to explore that relationship without worrying about my husband and my marriage. So I told my husband I was going to stay with friends for a while and clear my head. In actuality, I was staying with the Facebook guy for much of the time. At first, it seemed idyllic. It seemed like we picked up right where we left off. I felt alive and free and I liked that feeling. But over several weeks, the problems that we’d always had came back. It soon became clear that I was an idiot who was throwing away her marriage for someone who I didn’t even really know. And meanwhile, my husband was at home without any idea what I’d done. I feel just awful. He has always been there for me and he would never do something like this to me. I now regret leaving and separating from him. But I have no idea if he feels the same way. And I know he won’t feel the same way when he finds out about the other guy. What in the world can I do now?”

These are tough questions because sometimes husbands don’t react as we had hoped since we’ve already pushed them away. However, in the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions on how you might want to proceed if you regret leaving or separating from your husband for another man but now regret it.

If Your Husband Doesn’t Already Know About The Other Man, Don’t Make This Your Immediate Focus: Sometimes your husband already knows about the other man and sometimes he doesn’t. Whatever the case, your initial goal should be to minimize the other person as much as you possibly can while understanding that the truth is going to have to come out eventually (although I suggest the least painful version of the truth.)

Getting him back may well be difficult enough. But every time he thinks of the other man, you may lose any ground that you’ve made up. So if he doesn’t yet know about the other man, it might be a good idea to be very careful about when and how you disclose this information. And, if he does already know, then your best bet is to make the present day about you and your husband and no one else. Try to keep his attention focused on the present and the future and not the past.

Make Sure You Want Your Husband Back For The Right Reasons Before You Approach Him: The wife in this situation was at least partly invested in getting her husband back because she had realized that the Facebook relationship was not what she thought. Granted, this realization made her want her husband even more. But I have to tell you that most husbands are going to look at this and think “she only wants me back because it didn’t work out with the other guy.”

So you want to do a lot of soul-searching about why you want to come back and why you want him to take you back. Because your sincerity is often most more apparent to him than you might have realized. If you’re only coming back because the other relationship made you realize how much you have to lose, then you need to dig deeper. You need to define what you love about your husband and why he is worth fighting for. Because he is going to know, and feel, and react to the difference.

Don’t Ask Or Expect To Come Back Into His Heart Right Away. Understand That You Have To Earn The Trust Back: Many wives make the mistake of wanting to go and confess immediately, while they hope to fall into their husband’s arms with reassurances that you will work it out. This is rarely the case and when it is, the husbands often have doubts deep down. It’s only natural and normal for him to be leery of your sudden change of heart. He is often coming to the table with his own pain, hurt pride, and questions. Don’t try to force or rush him into something that he isn’t ready for.

Wives who approach this with love, patience, and integrity often get much better results than the wives who want everything in the beginning before they have earned it back. Understand that you are going to have to work hard to restore his faith and trust and you will also need to address the problems that lead to your leaving in the first place. This often is not a speedy process, but the good news is that often, once you’ve gotten a glimpse of what you might lose, you’re more than willing to do whatever it takes to keep it.

In my own situation, my husband left me so our story happened in reverse. However, the same strategy that I am suggesting here did work. I had to chip away at my husband’s reservations very slowly over time. But eventually, I restored his trust and we saved our marriage. If it helps, you’re welcome to read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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