Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we think that our marriage is humming along just fine when we get a wake up call that makes us realize that we really have not been paying attention. It never ceases to amaze me that it’s very common to hyper-fixate on things that don’t really matter – (like pop culture and television shows) – but to let our attention slide when it comes to the most important thing of all, which is our marriage and our family.

Unfortunately, most of us have done this at some point in our lives (myself included.) And I don’t believe that it means that we don’t love our spouse. Quite the contrary, it often means that things are going so well that we take our eyes off the ball because we think that we can afford to. We start to believe that our marriage just works and so we turn our attention to other things.

Many marriages withstand this for a while. The problem happens when this lack of attention becomes a lack of appreciation, a taking for granted, that becomes a sort of habit. Many spouses will not even notice this at first. Or when they do, they will tolerate it – at least for a little while. But no one wants to feel unappreciated forever. And eventually, this can start to seriously damage your marriage. If your spouse truly feels unappreciated and unvalidated, they sometimes seek this validation somewhere else. Sometimes, this leads to infidelity. And other times, your spouse will begin to get their emotional needs met outside of your marriage. Both of these things can cause serious damage.

Here’s an example scenario. A wife might say: “I am so upset that I only saw what was happening in my marriage when it was potentially too late to do anything about it. I can truly say that my husband is wonderful. He is so supportive. For the last two years, he has been paying all of the household bills while I have been going to school. I have told him that I appreciate this. But that was mostly when I first started school. I admit that I have been coasting for the past year or so. And I have to say that as I have made friends at school, I’ve been spending less time at home. Last week, my husband had a medical procedure done. It was only an outpatient procedure, but it meant that he was in bed for a couple of days and that he could not do much for himself. The morning after the procedure, I asked if I could get him anything before I went to school. He was angry that I was going to school and felt that I should take a couple of days off to care for him. He said that if the roles were reversed, he would do that for me. Deep in my heart, I know that he is right.  He would take care of me without hesitation.  My husband made the comment that ‘it must be nice to have someone who takes care of you and pays all your bills while you don’t have to ever return the favor. I ask so little from you. All I want is for you to care about me every once in a little while, but you can’t do this because your focus is always about yourself. Is it wrong for me to want just a little appreciation? Because I never get it from you. And I’m sick of it.’ I know that my husband is right. He is telling the truth. But I am not sure how to appreciate him more. And if I try to show him now, he will know it’s only because he’s mad at me. I worry that my inability to be appreciative is going to destroy my marriage eventually.”

Awareness Is The First Step: I don’t mean to alarm you, but you are right to worry. Spouses who don’t feel appreciated or validated will seek the same somewhere else. The good news is that you are aware of this and you want to change. Many people just continue to approach their marriage in the same non-appreciative way until their spouse leaves. This doesn’t have to be the case with you because you are aware of the problem and you want to fix it.

I think that the first step toward fixing it is to be hyper-aware. And you have to train yourself to do this. I think that the easiest way to go about it is to take a few seconds each day to either make a literal or a mental list describing the nice things your husband has done or the ways that he enhances your life. You might make note of “a husband who supports me in every way.” Or “someone with whom I can share everything.” Whatever you appreciate, note it. Because you can’t act on it until you note it.

Know What Your Husband Really Wants And Then Act: The next step is to act. You want for your husband to know that you appreciate him. And you want to be genuine about it. He has already told you that he doesn’t expect much. He just wants for you to acknowledge his efforts and he wants to feel cared for every once in a while. I think we can both agree that this isn’t too much to ask. It’s not as if he’s being needy and expects you to go overboard. He just wants to feel acknowledged and validated.

There are many ways to do this. The first is to acknowledge him the instant he does something nice. If he makes you coffee, give him a hug and tell him thank you. The next step is to acknowledge those ongoing things. Leave him a note telling him how much you are fully aware of how supportive he is and how much you appreciate it. Give him plenty of heartfelt and genuine physical affection. And go out of your way to return the favor.

Figure out his currency and deliver. What I mean by this is that everyone doesn’t need or require the same payoff. You know your husband better than anyone and you would be the person most knowledgable about what is going to make him feel loved. Whatever that is, make the effort. He’s held up his end of the bargain and now you have the opportunity to hold up yours.

Honestly, I firmly believe that taking my husband for granted and not appreciating him enough was one of the things that lead to our separation.  I just assumed that he knew how much I loved and appreciated him.  Apparently, he did not.  And this lead to a very dark period in our marriage that almost lead to divorce.  A lot of that story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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