Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When we are newlyweds, many of us romanticize becoming parents. We think that a child is going to be proof of our love for our spouse and so we naturally assume that being parents is going to bring us much closer together. We assume that new parenthood is going to be one of the happiest times in our lives, when we become a little family — cocooned in a world that only consists of us and those we love the most.

This is a wonderful idea. But it often is not entirely reality – at least in the beginning. When you are a newlywed, well- meaning family and friends will often warn you about the all-encompsassiong exhaustion and sense of isolation that can go hand in hand with having an infant in the house. But until you go through this yourself, you have no way to know what these people mean.

What many of us never expect is how we can feel so many contrasting feelings all at once after we get our infant home. Yes, we are overwhelmed with love for our spouse. Like never before, we feel like a team. We feel like a household. But at the same time, we are overwhelmed and exhausted. And as much as we might love our spouse, eventually these very dramatic changes in our life might have an effect on our relationships.  We are juggling so many things at once. Some might look around to realize that becoming a parent wasn’t as easy as was assumed and has even had some negative influences, which can elicit guilt and shame.

Someone might explain: “I am almost reluctant to say what I am about to say. I fear that this admission means that something is wrong with me. But having a child has actually hurt my marriage. And I don’t know what is wrong with us. Two of my neighbors have children that are just a little older than mine and both of these couples seem blissfully happy and so united that it’s not even funny. Don’t get me wrong. I have never loved my husband more. Not ever. I love my child more than I ever thought possible. But at the end of the day, when my husband comes home and wants to talk, or cuddle, or have sex, all I want to do is to thrust my child at him and have some time to myself. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I don’t want any conversation. I just want to retreat. The other day, I was looking at my husband when he didn’t know that I was. And I had a shocking realization. I realized that I just felt numb toward him now. I don’t feel numb toward my child. I look at my child and I light up. But I don’t necessarily feel that about my husband anymore and I’m so very concerned about that. He just seems like something that is too much work right now, even though I feel so ashamed to say that. What is wrong with me?”

I don’t think that you need to beat yourself up over this. Feeling overwhelmed when caring for an infant is a truth that people don’t always talk about, but it is not at all uncommon. People generally don’t talk about it because they are afraid that they will be perceived as a bad parent or a bad spouse. But if every one told the truth, then this issue wouldn’t be steeped in shame. I have had friends who have recounted the exact same thing to me – that they spend their entire days holding their infant so that when their spouse gets home, they don’t want yet another person touching them or needing something from them. One of my friends used to describe both her husband AND her baby as “sucking the life blood” out of her at times, even though she adored them both.  (Now that time has passed and she no longer has an infant, but a child that is more independent, she can look back at it objectively and realize that she was doing the best that she could at the time.)

If you have any opportunities to have some time for yourself or time just as a couple, I’d highly recommend that. Yes, there is no other time in your life where someone might need you as much as your infant needs you right now, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you don’t have much to give. You have to replenish the well so that you can take from it.

You might be tempted to hide this from others, but that is probably the last thing you should do. Mention it to your obstetrician, just to make sure that there isn’t a problem.  He may be able to offer you some treatment or advice that truly does help.   Hiding the issue doesn’t help.  Being honest and open while asking for help does.

And there is nothing wrong with sharing how you are feeling with your husband, being careful that it doesn’t sound critical. Of course, you don’t want to flat out tell him that his touch makes you numb because parenting a newborn is exhausting.

Instead, you might try: “people weren’t kidding when they said you had to experience this for yourself to see how overwhelming and exhausting it can be. I’m not complaining. I’m so grateful for our family. I am filled with love. I just had no idea that it would make me this exhausted and overwhelmed at times – while filling me with love at others.”

Being honest but deliberate allows your husband to see that you still love him and are still invested in your marriage, but are adjusting. And he may hear what you are saying and start helping you out more, which in turn may help with your response to him.

It’s very important that you at least try to take time out for your marriage. This is a skill that is going to be important throughout your married life. And not learning it can lead to disaster if you let it go for too long.  I learned this the hard way.  I put my marriage on the back burner when I had a some stressful things that needed my attention.  By the time I realized this, the damage was done and I ended up separated as a result.  That’s why you’re smart to notice what is going on and wanting to address it now.   You can read more about how I healed my marriage at risk at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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