Leslie Cane Articles

I recently heard from a wife who felt strongly that her husband no longer loved her.  For the past couple of years, she had noticed a shift in her marriage.  He no longer lit up when he looked at her.  He no longer listened intently when she talked.  He no longer spontaneously touched her or showed much affection.

She said in part:  “I just don’t feel loved by my husband anymore.   I don’t really care what he says to the contrary.  It’s just something that I FEEL and I know the difference between a loving vibe and one that isn’t.  It’s not that he’s cruel or mean.  He’s cordial and we get along, but there’s no real passion like we used to have.  He looks at me as if I’m a friend or family member – not his wife.  And sometimes, when we’re out with other people I’ll see him jovial and in a good mood – being the life of the party and enjoying himself – and I realize that he never does that when he’s alone with me.  It seems as if other people make him happier than I do.  I know this isn’t all in my head, although he sometimes hints that it is.  What are you supposed to do when you feel that your husband just doesn’t love you?”

This is a difficult situation because most people get married because they want to share and feel love with someone else.  So when this important piece of the puzzle is missing, it can be a total let down and quite troubling and very hurtful.

But often when a wife speaks up about this, her husband will tell her that she’s overreacting or will ask her what she expects?  After all, the husband will claim, after you’re married for a while, of course things are going to cool off a little bit.

But many of the wives who contact me just don’t buy this.  They can literally feel a difference in how their husband approaches in now compared with the way that he used to.  Some of them worry about infidelity or they worry that he’s completely fallen out of love with them.  In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions on how you might handle this.

Much Of The Time, Simply Telling Your Husband You Don’t Feel Loved By Him Won’t Get You The Results You Want:  Many women will just sort of tell their husband that they aren’t feeling all that loved and they will hope that he takes the hint and starts showing more affection and care.  Sometimes, you may see some improvement for the short term, but much of the time, this will sound like nagging or complaining to them or they may think that you’re needy, high maintenance or being accusatory.

If you are going to approach your husband about this, be very careful how you phrase and approach it.  You don’t want to make it sound like he’s doing something wrong, not meeting your expectations, or letting you down in some way.  Because usually, this will only make things feel worse rather than better.

Instead, you might try a couple of things.  First, you can try showing more affection to him.  Often, if you give someone what you yourself want, you are demonstrating the behavior that you want to encourage.  When he responds in kind, offer lots of positive feedback, brag on him, and heap on the physical affection because this will make him want to continue.

The other thing you can try is approaching him for a positive angle and just telling him that you miss the closeness.  You don’t want it to sound like you’re being negative.  You want it to sound like you’re thinking back to when you were crazy about each other and this brings a smile to your face.  See the difference?  You’re not asking him to do anything – you’re just hoping to inspire him with a trip down memory lane.  Again, if you get the reaction that you want, heap on the positive reinforcement.

What If You Don’t Feel That Your Husband Loves You (And Nothing Has Worked To Change This?:)  Sometimes, women will come back and tell me that they’ve tried my suggestions, but they just aren’t getting anywhere.  Their husband is still cold and distant to them and just doesn’t seem all that attracted or interested in them.

In this case, you may want to look and see if there are any issues in your marriage.  Yes, people get comfortable when they’ve been married a while.  But, when a man feels loving feelings toward a woman, at some point this should just naturally come out in physical ways.  If he’s no longer approaching you like that or not showing interest in that way, then this can definitely be a warning sign that you don’t want to ignore.

In my experience, once you fix whatever issues are dividing your marriage, then the feelings of love will often return.  Much of the time, women who contact me aren’t really sure what went wrong with their marriage.  It’s just that over time, they noticed a distance or a lack of interest.

The good news is that you are concerned enough about this to be researching how to fix this because the worst thing you can do is ignore it.  Unfortunately, I did ignore it when I didn’t feel loved by my husband and our marriage progressively got worse and worse until we almost ended up divorced.

If you’re feeling that right now, consider some of the suggestions I’ve made in this article.  Every one deserves to feel loved in their marriage. If those things don’t bring relief, then perhaps it’s time to take an objective look at your marriage and see if you can determine where it might need some tweaking.   If it helps, you can read about how I was ultimately able to save my own marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  And if you think you need it, I’d also suggest the free “save my marriage” ecourse on the side of this blog. Amy Wasserman is excellent and the course is free.

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